Monday, December 13, 2010

I'm not a crybaby, I'm passionate.

How often do you cry at work? 

I'm a crier; I cry at weddings, at funerals, at baby showers, during sappy movies, during a sappy scene in a bloody movie, in response to a particularly warm jewelry commercial, when a baby is born on TLC's A Baby Story.  I cry when I laugh really hard, I cry when I'm super happy.  I cry sometimes because I'm bored, literally, to tears. 

But at work?  You're not supposed to cry at work.  It's like baseball.

I cry at work all the time.  It's gotten better - we're down to maybe 3 times a month; when I was promoted to this position in May of 2008, I cried daily for the first 6 months.  Not because anyone was mean to me (well, not EVERY time at least), or because anyone called me names or because someone yelled at me - this isn't that sort of environment or that sort of place.  I cry because I'm frustrated.  I cry because no one seems to take things as seriously as I do.  I cry because it feels, a lot of the time, like I'm banging my head against the wall.  That's my excuse, at least.  That's my reasoning. 

The truth is, I'm emotional and I have a hard time holding those tears back, even though crying at work is the absolute last thing I want to do.  I'll feel them coming on and I'll will them to stay back, but they ignore my wants and spill over anyhow.  I'll be trying so hard to look and act the part I've been picked to play, but my eyes will start leaking and betray me.  My boss is used to it - I don't even feel embarrassed or awkward when I trickle all over myself in front of him anymore.  I try to keep it hidden from my non-office co-workers; they're not the sort that cry at work or the sort to understand and tolerate well when they've got a crybaby in their midst. 

The Boss keeps reminding me that I need to "pause when agitated", "take a deep breath", "don't react with your emotions".  He's right.  Oh, but it's SO hard!  I tell him this, and he says "Try harder".  Okay, boss.  I'll try harder to not care so much, to not be so passionate about my work.  I'll try harder.  :)

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Please don't make me cry.


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