Sunday, July 16, 2017

The Struggle Is Real

I want to write.  I do.  I also want to do yoga every day, go hiking, ride my bike, eat less than 1800 calories a day, not drink so much, not yell at my kids, get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep...the list of things I want to do is so long.  Besides, I don't have anything interesting to say.  I just have a lot of blah blah blah - I'm not doing anything special or magical over here.  That's not true.  Those two little girls are pretty special and magical, and raising them...well, that's why I don't write anymore.  At the end of the day, I'm either too tired to find words, or too ashamed of my behavior to talk about it with anyone.  Rationally, I know I'm not a bad mom.  In fact, some people may even say I'm a great mom.  Sometimes I am.  Sometimes I am really shitty at this parenting thing, though.  I am short-tempered and too demanding and my expectations are way too high for a 4 year old and a 2 and a half year old. I'm trying to learn how to go with the flow, to not stress over the little things, to follow Geneva's instructions and take a step back and ask for help when I'm frustrated, to take a deep breath and count to four when I feel so mad I want to roar.  It's hard sometimes.  Life is hard, even when you know you're on easy street.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Wednesday Night Whatever.

Everything in the news makes me heartsick and disgusted and scared.  Our collective apathy makes me feel weak and vulnerable. 

I try to remember that I am only responsible for, that I can only control, my actions - that I cannot take on the guilt of the bad people in the world.  I try to remind myself that what I have did not come from taking from the have-nots.  I want to do more, I should do more, to help those who have less, who need more, but some days it's a struggle just to get to the end of the day.  And then I feel terrible for not pushing a bit harder, as if my not making a bunch of sandwiches for homeless people is directly causing worldwide hunger to not be fixed already. 

Ugh.  The world is so ugly. 

This is why I stay home all the time.  It's safe in here.  It's full of funny happy people who love each other, even if they hit and scratch and bite sometimes, and yell, and cry and whine...still.  Way safer than your average public gathering these days.  Also, I'm always tired.  And taking the girls to other peoples' homes freaks me out because I'm afraid they're going to get on your nerves or break something or stain something.  And I still have stupid terrible mom guilt any time I leave them with Grandma because I feel like I'm imposing on my mom and abandoning my kids all at the same time, so it makes it hard to let loose and have a good time, ya know? 

This was supposed to be a Facebook post, not a blog entry.  Whatever. 

Sunday, June 11, 2017

My First 5K!

Guys, I did a thing! 

I've wanted to do a 5k for a long time, but there are lots of easy excuses to not do one.  Back in January, though, my friend Melinda told me she was doing a Color Run in June, and I was all, "Sign me up!"  Back then, my insurance was through Humana, which has a program called Go365 that allows you to earn points for physical activity, and those points translate into dollars.  I accumulated $250+ worth of points in less than a year, and a 5K was good for a few hundred additional points.  Of course, my company changed their insurance carrier a month ago, so I don't have the incentive program any longer, so my W00t! at completing a 5K was minimized.  Also, I twisted my foot in a bad way a couple weeks back - heels and cobblestones do not mix well.  I've not quite been limping, but my foot hurts.  The 5K was scheduled for 8 a.m. Saturday, and as of Friday evening, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it. 

Saturday morning, though, I woke up, got dressed, downed 3 Ibuprophen with my protein shake and headed for Waterfront Park. 

So, the Color Run is a color run because there are checkpoints along the route where people throw powdered colored chalk on the participants.  I expected to be much more colorful by the end, honestly. 

Holly had done this particular run before, so she was in the know and warned us about the dust and advised a bandana would be a very good idea.  She was very right. 

See those steel studs on the bottom two floors of this building?  I sold those.  That's what I do these days - I sell steel studs used in commercial and residential framing.  Turns out, I'm not terrible at it.  Who knew?

Friday, May 26, 2017


When you read about Trump's Senior Advisor and Son-in-Law trying to set up a secret communication channel with Russia, ask yourself - "Do I think he would have done this of his own volition, without the knowledge and express permission of Trump?"

I know you can't convict on circumstantial evidence, but dammit people.  There is so much smoke, a fire is all but guaranteed.  And not some little tiny bonfire either - this is an all-out wildfire and our Democracy is what's burning. There's nothing partisan about this - these people are hiding treasonous acts, and the story is going to come out.  It's okay that you voted for him and put us in this terrible position - well, it's not, but we can't change the past now, can we? - but we have to come together as Americans and move forward with reason and rational thought.  You wouldn't accept this from any previous President, none of it.  This is not normal.  This is dangerous. 

I don't know what I want you to do other than admit that this man is a piece of shit and he's destroying our country bit by bit and needs to be replaced immediately.  We need a new election. 

Saturday, May 6, 2017

A rainy Derby Saturday.

It's almost 7:30, and we've been up just over an hour.  Well, Cora and I.  G got up about a half hour ago, Jimi's still snoozin'.  I love easy mornings like this - breakfast, TV, smiles and giggles and only a few meltdowns.  4 year olds cry a lot more than I would've imagined; there's a lot more whining than I'd considered.  We're working on it.  Our house is generally noisy and chaotic.  I don't realize that until we mingle with others, in their homes or for extended periods of time.  The shell-shocked look that they get, our friends who don't usually spend time in the company of 2.5 and 4 year olds, it's amusing and alarming.  I always apologize for our crazy, but I'm not really sorry.  I mean, I feel bad that we're SO MUCH and I know it can be overwhelming for people not used to it, but we are what we are, and what do you expect from a 2.5 and 4 year old?  I try to keep our visits brief with everyone except the grandparents.  Only at my mom & dad's house do I feel like I can take a break for a minute from my constant hovering and worrying, like I can take off my mom hat for just a few minutes and relax and not have to worry that one of my kids is going to break something or fall down the stairs; the girls are so enamored with Granny and Papaw, they don't bother to get into any trouble.  They just soak up the love and attention from grownups who never make them do things they don't want to do. 

I'm away from home 3 nights next week.  I've already got that anxious pit in my stomach; I already miss my family.  I'm also excited about 3 nights sleeping alone with no one waking me up at 2 a.m. insisting I change beds, hours to read the new book I picked up last weekend and haven't cracked open yet.  Why is everything in life so complicated, with so many conflicting emotions?  Why am I so emotional that even a quick business trip requires psychological gymnastics?  I love my people and I want to be with them...and I'm still sort of convinced that as long as I'm here with them, they're safe from whatever dangers are lurking out there, and that if I'm not around, they're vulnerable.  I'm only a little crazy, I swear. 

I've tried so hard to stop reading the news, but I can't and I guess I shouldn't.  It's so heartbreaking and scary.  How has our nation become so hateful?  What are we going to do? 


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