Sunday, June 5, 2016

A bad day.

On nights when I'm a bad mom, I hate myself.  When I've not been patient, not counted to four, not taken a breath, not thought before I spoke, not remembered that the person I'm angry with and yelling at is 3 years old and not exactly working with the same toolbox as I...I hate myself. 

tonight's one of those nights, did you guess?

It feels like they've cried for weeks, from the time they get up until the time they go to bed, over everything and nothing all at the same time.  We've been sick for weeks, all of us.  They started a new daycare.  Life is full of challenges to our daily normal lately, and none of us is handling it well but you'd think at least the grownups could manage to not lose their shit.  And we did, for the first week and a half or so.  By Wednesday this week, though, I was over it, and I asked Mom if they would keep the girls for us tonight so that we could just have a break, have a night to sleep.  (They don't do that, either.  They take turns waking up over and over again through the night - cora cries if she doesn't get milkies, Geneva cries if I won't go lay down with her. It's constant musical beds and demands and whining and I'm just so fucking over it.)  There was a meltdown en route to grandma's, though - G was losing her shit at the idea of staying the night away from us, from me specifically.  She's super clingy like that all of a sudden, in the last 4 or 5 days.  I blame the new daycare situation - it's a huge change.  And the fact that she's also felt like crap, right along with the rest of us, that makes for a volatile situation.  So we didn't go to grandma's, we came home.  We had a plan.  Our plan was to transfer the now-sleeping Cora from the car to the bed and then set G up in the living room on her cot with a movie and we could just chill and let her do her thing until she fell asleep.  Cora woke up on the way into the house, because the firefighters out collecting for crusade for children blew their siren and horn as they drove past our driveway as Jimi was getting her out of the car.  Fuckers.  So then I had to try to nurse her to sleep, because she wasn't down with just laying down with Daddy.  She wouldn't go to sleep. 


It was a bad night. It's over.  We made up before we went to sleep, and we both said sorry as soon as we woke up this morning.  I always hate myself when we fight.

Today is a new day.  I'm a better mom today.  So far, at least.  I went to Walgreens first thing and bought some Sudafed - maybe if my face doesn't hurt and I can actually breathe, I'll be able to be a bit more rational and calm when challenged by toddlers. 

Cora is napping.  She's eating everything she can get her hands on today.  Geneva is sitting next to me eating a lemon lime dumdum sucker and playing with playdoh.  We're friends today.  Jimi is watching something on Amazon and trying not to lose his mind, I think.  I encouraged him to get out and go do something without us today if he needs to, because I get it, and I don't want him to kill us all in our sleep.  I think we've both had moments in the last few weeks where we've thought "what the fuck is this hell that I'm in and how can I escape it?"

Parenting is hard, yo.  Somehow, it's still worth it. 


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