Fuck me sideways.
I mean, I shouldn't be surprised. Did I really think I'd somehow magically dropped a dress size in the last month and a half by drinking beer, sitting on my ass, and getting high and eating every carb in sight?
Maybe a little, yes.
Didn't work. Turns out, that game plan will leave you desperately wishing for three more inches - like that one time, with that one guy with that really small penis.
I'm sorta working out. Jumping jacks, crunches, running, walking, mowing the grass, sex. Sorta. Jimi wants to sign me up for Zumba - will Zumba help me lose a dress size in 5.5 weeks? If you say yes, I'll totally do it.
I'm watching my calorie intake. I'm making good choices.
Surely this shit will work, right?
I've never dieted. I've never actually set a weight-loss goal and set out to obtain it. Ever. In my life. I don't know wtf I'm doing.
I just know that dress has to zip and I've gotta somehow make it happen. Tell me how, please? Something that doesn't involve throwing up or laxatives or Spanx - the problem is at the top of the dress, not in my big fat belly, surprisingly enough, and the Spanx didn't make a smidge of difference. I've actually gotta lose the weight to make this happen - even Duct tap won't fix this.
Wait. I didn't actually TRY Duct tape yet...maybe...
No. I'm going to get less fat. It's just one dress size.