Monday, August 22, 2011

The Dress Doesn't Fit (Or, I am the dumbest person you know.)

The zipper needs to somehow move up another three inches.  No no no, not ON the dress- when it zips, it needs to go another three inches before it closes.

Fuck me sideways.  

I mean, I shouldn't be surprised.  Did I really think I'd somehow magically dropped a dress size in the last month and a half by drinking beer, sitting on my ass, and getting high and eating every carb in sight?  

Maybe a little, yes.  

Didn't work.  Turns out, that game plan will leave you desperately wishing for three more inches - like that one time, with that one guy with that really small penis.  


I'm sorta working out.  Jumping jacks, crunches, running, walking, mowing the grass, sex.  Sorta.  Jimi wants to sign me up for Zumba - will Zumba help me lose a dress size in 5.5 weeks?  If you say yes, I'll totally do it.  

I'm watching my calorie intake.  I'm making good choices.  

Surely this shit will work, right?  

I've never dieted.  I've never actually set a weight-loss goal and set out to obtain it.  Ever.  In my life.  I don't know wtf I'm doing.  

I just know that dress has to zip and I've gotta somehow make it happen.  Tell me how, please?  Something that doesn't involve throwing up or laxatives or Spanx - the problem is at the top of the dress, not in my big fat belly, surprisingly enough, and the Spanx didn't make a smidge of difference.  I've actually gotta lose the weight to make this happen - even Duct tap won't fix this. 

Wait.  I didn't actually TRY Duct tape yet...maybe...

No.  I'm going to get less fat.  It's just one dress size.  

Help me!!!


  1. I thought I was the only person in the world who said "Fuck me sideways."

    As for Zumba helping you lose one dress size in 5.5 weeks...I think so. Depends on how much you REALLY want those three inches to disappear.

    Let's do it together. I want to be down ten pounds in 5.5 weeks (my b-day on October 13). Let's kick the shit out of those pesky, pain-in-the-ass inches/lbs.!!!

    Let's get off our fat rumps and put 'em into gear!


  2. I say to the Zumba classes. I hear from the girls at work that they really work you out and can see a difference. If you do this, then I will sign up for classes and we can be internet Zumba buddies. Will that convince you to do the classes?

  3. I'd do a combo of zumba and yoga - helps you to tone up and lean up.

    Also, make sure you don't cut your cals too low - depending on how much you're exercising and what your height/weight ratio is now, I'd say to maybe cut to 1200-1300 cal/day for the next 5 weeks. Lower than that and you'll risk your body thinking it's in starvation mode and holding onto everything.

    Good luck!

  4. Also, if you're a TypeA list type person, writing it all down can really help. has a great program, plus you can put your app on the phone.

  5. is also a good fitness tracker if you're doing walking and other such activities. Good luck!

  6. Okay! Yes to the Goal, Ms. McGee! Yes to the Zumba, and new internet workout friends! Yes to the apps - going to go check them out now!

    And I love you all SO FREAKIN MUCH. Thank you for the support and tips and encouragement and awesome!

  7. Is there any chance you could get super depressed all of a sudden and lose interest in all foods? That's the only thing that's ever worked for me. Oh. Except it came back. Yup. I'm helpful.

  8. I'll be your internet Zumba buddy too, but I'm not going to actually do it, I'll just be your encourage coach. Then when the baby gets here and I have to get my ass into gear you'll be multiple dress sizes down and you can sit back and whip my ass in shape via internet.

    But seriously, I have friends who do Zumba regularly and love the shit out of that wackiness. They swear by it. But my best looking girlfriend? She swears by the elliptical. She said when she first started she could only 5 minutes at a time. Now she does 30 minutes and that is literally all she does and she looks fucking fabulous. If I didn't love her so much I would beat her up and hate her.

    Either way you can do it!

  9. I agree with most of the above people. Cut out calories a bit (especially the beer. Sorry. It has no nutritional value) and exercise at least a half an hour a day (or as much as possible). Track your calories and exercise. That is the best way to be aware. Myfitnesspal is good. I use LoseIt, another app that's very user friendly. The elliptical is great, as it burns as many calories as running but is not as hard on your body.

    Oh and try to cut down on sodium! It just makes you bloated.


Please don't make me cry.


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