To Tetanus, or not to Tetanus, THAT is the question...

I cut my finger (a teeny, tiny little cut) last night on our rusty half-drum fire pit.  I cleaned the cut really good with antibacterial soap and lots of peroxide, but I had to dig out a piece of rust with my tweezers and, for the first time in my life, I reacted to this minor surgical procedure by getting light-headed and nearly puking.  I had to put a cool wet cloth on my head and go lie down for a few minutes.  This is highly abnormal for me, I need you to understand.

So today, I'm all, "Hey guys, I cut my finger on a rusty drum, should I get a tetanus shot?" to which everyone replied, "When was the last time you had one?" and I was all, "Um, never" and they're all, "Yeah, you need to get one."  So I called my doctor's office, and as it turns out, getting a tetanus shot requires an office visit.  The lady on the phone warned me of this like it would cause me to back away, and offered the name of a local urgent care center.  "Oh, I've got insurance, an office visit is no big deal, if that's what I need to do."  I forget the times in which I'm living - insurance is a rare valuable commodity, one traded for health, and if you don't have it, well, maybe you'd rather take your chances at lockjaw?  (Honestly, I would take my chances if I didn't have insurance.  I assume no insurance would equate with little disposable income, and that means a $160 office visit would probably be out of reach on the spur of the moment.  I remember - I've been there.)

Tomorrow morning, 8:15 a.m., which means I'll likely see the doc at 8:45 or so, but whatevs.  I'll get my shot and I'll feel as if I've laid one fear to rest for a while, and I'll be much more careful (sober) when shoving kindling into the fire pit.

What do you think?  Am I wasting my $10 co-pay and 2 hours of work time and an extra hour of valuable sleep?  When was the last time YOU had a tetanus shot?  Is it just a bunch of hokey, or is this serious bidness that I shouldn't be making lame-ass jokes about?

The Dress Doesn't Fit (Or, I am the dumbest person you know.)

The zipper needs to somehow move up another three inches.  No no no, not ON the dress- when it zips, it needs to go another three inches before it closes.

Fuck me sideways.  

I mean, I shouldn't be surprised.  Did I really think I'd somehow magically dropped a dress size in the last month and a half by drinking beer, sitting on my ass, and getting high and eating every carb in sight?  

Maybe a little, yes.  

Didn't work.  Turns out, that game plan will leave you desperately wishing for three more inches - like that one time, with that one guy with that really small penis.  

Anyhow.  

I'm sorta working out.  Jumping jacks, crunches, running, walking, mowing the grass, sex.  Sorta.  Jimi wants to sign me up for Zumba - will Zumba help me lose a dress size in 5.5 weeks?  If you say yes, I'll totally do it.  

I'm watching my calorie intake.  I'm making good choices.  

Surely this shit will work, right?  

I've never dieted.  I've never actually set a weight-loss goal and set out to obtain it.  Ever.  In my life.  I don't know wtf I'm doing.  

I just know that dress has to zip and I've gotta somehow make it happen.  Tell me how, please?  Something that doesn't involve throwing up or laxatives or Spanx - the problem is at the top of the dress, not in my big fat belly, surprisingly enough, and the Spanx didn't make a smidge of difference.  I've actually gotta lose the weight to make this happen - even Duct tap won't fix this. 

Wait.  I didn't actually TRY Duct tape yet...maybe...

No.  I'm going to get less fat.  It's just one dress size.  

Help me!!!

Apparently, I'm a moron.

"On next, The State of the Union Address and the Republican Response...,"  says the TV.

"The Republican Response?," I thought, ears perked up.  I looked up, unsure of the channel we were watching - we'd just been watching some network station, and this sounded, to my ignorant ears, like something else.

"What channel is this on?," I asked Jimi, who was standing in the doorway across the room, watching the dramatic introduction along with me.

"Every channel," he said, thinking I meant the program rather than the station itself, I guess.

I was still confused.  "What's this Republican Response thing?  What's that about?"

"They always do that, allow the opposing party to have a chance to speak, a rebuttal, if you will."  I can hear the "duh" in his voice.

I'm even more confused.  "Wha...?  How have I lived 30 years and never heard about this?  What the hell?"

He's still using his "duh" voice, "Have you ever watched a State of the Union Address?"   Duh.

"I thought I had..."  I'm remembering my 4 years of MCJROTC, where watching the State of the Union Address earned me extra credit 4 years running.  I'm remembering listening to Bush in his first term, when I was still a registered Republican who loved my President and believed Iraq and Saddam had weapons of mass destruction.  I admit, I skipped the second term Addresses, mostly, with maybe the exception of the first 15 minutes or so (that was all I could tolerate), but still, I'm a pretty intelligent person, and I'm not ignorant when it comes to politics.

How have I never heard of this?

I'm oblivious.  I live in my own little world.  This proves I need my own island nation.  All this politics shit is hard - I just want to live my life.   Duh.