Tuesday, March 22, 2011

ICLW - ...wha...?

If you've found me from there, I feel like I should apologize.

Wait.  Don't go away just yet - let me tell you why.

Okay, I found Sparkles and Fairy Tales via Single Infertile Female a few months back.  The other day, Sparkles mentioned this here ICLW.

This is the part where I'm going to start to sound like a jackass, if you're from there.

I read her post.  It (ICLW) sounded cool.

I found the link, I read the post with directions and instructions, and it was 3/21 - last day to link up!!

Quick, hurry!! Sounds awesome!

So I did.

And it asked for three words that described my blog.  Hmm.  I've never answered this question before.  No, really.  I click the x at the top of the page when things ask this question.  Three words?  Really?  I'm bad at brevity.

But I thought about it for a minute.  "Life, Love, Happy"

Cool.  That's pretty good.  Yeah.  That'll work.

Here's the thing - I didn't read anything about any of the other blogs entered before I linked up.  I didn't pay any attention to much of anything beyond the post content - the rules and regulations of participation.

Okay, my next goal was to find 6 blogs to comment on for day 1 of the "hop".

I started noticing a trend.  Each of the blogs was following a similar theme - 2 of the first four were announcing BFPs.

I went back to the link-up page.  The three words describing each blog?  They were appearing there at the right of the blog titles, in parenthesis - ttc, miscarriage, IVF, multiple loss, infertility, adoption.

"Oh shit," I thought.  "I don't belong here - how do I take back my link?"  I looked - nope, no button for that.

I don't mean to intrude, if that's what I'm doing.  As I told Jimi tonight when I tried to explain this particular situation, I feel like I've got the tip of my big toe in your pool, but I'm not really part of your group.

Does that make sense?  God, I hope you don't take that the wrong way.  Here's what I mean:

The idea that I might be infertile scares the holy fuck out of me.  I've had a miscarriage - my one and only pregnancy.  But I was 30 before I got pregnant for that first time.  And we've not used birth control for the last three years.  According to my gyno (whom I've met once, when I was mid-miscarriage), that qualifies me for the title Infertile.

Holy fuck.  That's an awfully big word.

I don't want to be part of the infertility world.  I'm not strong enough to deserve that title.  I'd rather be the one sitting over on the side, saying "Eh, if it happens, it'll happen" and then, if it doesn't, "it just wasn't meant to be for us".  I can't fight that battle; I don't have that sort of strength.

Somehow, I've found my way to the world of infertility blogs.  In a bizarre, fucked up way, I'm jealous of these women, who KNOW what they want, and they're willing to risk so much - emotionally, financially, physically - to have a child, to be a mother.  I'm not selfless enough to fully convince myself that I'm ready for all that.

I'm screwing this all up.

I want to have children.  I knew that before I had my miscarriage.  But all of a sudden, I'm 31 (in like 3 weeks - may as well accept the inevitable), no kids, one pregnancy that ended in a horribly emotional miscarriage (as I imagine they all must)...and suddenly my hormones are insane, suddenly I MUST HAVE A BABY...

...except, I'm still pretty selfish, and OMG, what if I can't get pregnant, or what if Jimi's sperm count is like way low, or what if my womb is just an inhospitable wasteland, or what if or what if or what if...

And each and every month I've not gotten pregnant since, when, December?  I think that was the first month we were cleared to "try" (like somehow that green light would magically make it automatically happen, is what my head thought, I believe) - each month, when my Aunt Flow showed her ugly face on that swipe of TP, I've felt defeated.

And relieved.

And none of it makes any sense.  I'm very confused.

It felt like, as I scanned the list of bloggers on that ICLW list, I didn't belong.  I don't know that I do.  Compared to the struggles of the women whose blogs I've found so far?  I need to STFU.  My challenges are nothing compared to what these women have experienced.

But then I think - was my desire to carry my pregnancy to term any less than the desire of any of these other women to carry theirs?

No.  I don't know all of you, but I'm certain I know the answer to that question is no.

There's no litmus test, I guess, to determining who belongs to this world and who doesn't - there's not a "you must go this many years trying" or "you must suffer this many losses" before you're accepted as part of the crowd.  No offense intended, I don't want to be part of the world of infertility - but then again, I'm guessing there's not a person who's reading this who'd choose that path.

I've not experienced much of what many of you live as day to day reality, but I love you and hope the best things for you just the same.  I want you to find your happy, to find a way that brings you a child of your very own, no matter what path brings you there.

And if it works out for me too, well, that'd be cool.


  1. :( that is definitely a scary thought. I thought for years that I couldn't even when I was really young because of a weird hormonal balance I seemed to have but it happened for me. I don't think that you should discredit your experience just because others stories seemed worst. It still happened and its still painful. I've never had a miscarriage and can only imagine the emotional turmoil that you or anyone went through during that experience.

    I hurt for you and truly sorry that you went through that. It takes a strong person to be able to move forward and look to a brighter tomorrow.

  2. First of all *hugs*.

    Secondly, I can't believe that you're gyno called you infertile. Screw that bitch (or ass). No one knows if you are infertile. If a couple who is actively trying to get pregnant has not in more than 6 months they are considered to have 'fertility issues'. Now, that might seem like just playing with words and maybe it is, but those words are important. Infertile means you are absolutely not fertile. Fertility issues means you might have a harder time than others. For a doctor to use such a term to you (and at such a time) was insensitive and unprofessional and they should be reprimanded. I would bet that your gyno is NOT a fertility doctor so they should just keep their OPINIONS to themselves and offer you a referral to a qualified doctor.

    That just really pisses me off and I know that really wasn't the point of your post.

    You belong everywhere, my friend. You belong where you find souls who you can relate to. To those who find comfort, solace or happiness from the words you write or vice versa. You are compassionate and caring and everyone needs someone like that.

  3. Hey... I completely get the whole devastation and relief at the same time.

    and it's hard moving on to the next stage of wanting it so bad you are willing to put your whole soul, heart and mind (and hard earned money) into it.

  4. Kari, thank you for telling me that's not normal. It felt like she'd slapped me - who uses that word when you're talking to a woman who's miscarrying her first pregnancy? I'm going to find someone more crunchy-granola next time. I hate her office anyhow - you have to drive past a life-sized cutout of a pregnant woman to get into the parking garage, and then there are others lurking inside the garage, waiting to peek around the corning just as you've started to feel better about seeing the last one.

    Okay, so it probably wouldn't be such a big deal now, but then? Totally sucked.

  5. first off, thanks so much for your comment on my blog. it seriously made my day!

    secondly, i really loved this post. i appreciate your honesty and candor. i often feel like i'm way too self-centered and selfish to ever be a parent, too. but...i figure i'll just even it out by buying my kid a present every time i buy myself one. ;)

  6. hahaha, how serindipidous (is that even a word?) that you ended up with all the infertiles.

    seriously, don't apologize, that's crazy. you don't have to defend your reproductive choices and there's no entry fee to swim in our pool.

    good luck, hon!

  7. DOn't apologize for anything you just wrote! IT was honest and how you feel and that's what life is about. Defeated and relived are strange but totally how you felt! I am sorry about the miscarriage...I can't imagine how that was. Sorry seems to small but I don't know what to say...

  8. I know exactly what you mean. I am blessed with never having had a miscarriage (that I know about) or infertility problems, so whenever I comment or leave a link on an infertility site, I feel like an imposter.

    But I am a child of infertility, and I feel that infertility is a struggle that all women can (and should) relate to.

    Funny you made this post, I am about to make a similar one.

    I'm so sorry for your miscarriage, and I hope it was the last you will ever have.

  9. Hey Natalie,
    Oh God! I have this image of you and your blog innocently sneaking into the ICLW party only to have someone slam the door behind you, flip the lights on and shout, "Surprise!! You're infertile now!"

    You shouldn't feel as if you're intruding though. You'll notice that all the bloggers there have different stories with different endings. You'll fit right in, and i for one find your point of view refreshing. It is scary to consider that your body might not be behaving itself. But your attitude is awesome.

    Oh, and BTW, none us want to be in the infertility group either. It sucks. :-s

  10. not sure how to comment... but i too have entered my link to disable children to later find out through comments... such ADD... I guess I should not joke about ADD.
    Anyway being there happy and sad when my cycle commences.

  11. first - thanks for visiting my blog :)

    second - I completely get where you are coming from. About a year and a half into the whole TTC thing I found this amazing group of infertile group of people. I kept going - huh, I don't think I'm infertile. I am not infertile. I shouldn't be here.

    Well, almost a year later I'm still here. And honestly these ladies are the most amazing group of people you could accidentally stumble across. We won't bite. I promise.

    You don't have to jump into the world of infertility. I don't know if you are. Your ob is a douche to tell you otherwise without any testing. If and when you need comfort/a shoulder to cry on/someone to laugh with - all of us are here for you. :)

    iclw #173

    ps - hope i didn't make you cry :)

  12. Hi :o)

    Here from the ICLW - My name is Kim and I am the editor of The Ladies in Waiting Book Club. Stop by if you like to read. :o)

    I hope you are starting to feel a bit more "welcome"... I understand your surprise. Just because you are "with" us, doesn't mean that you have any labels. We're just gals, a community, all struggling with the same thing, with different experiences, etc.

  13. Love your blog! Yes, many of the ladies doing the hop are dealing with infertility. And like you, I just avoided having that title slapped on me although hubby and I spent 16 years (gasp) just saying "if it happens it happens."

    It didn't happen and we didn't pursue any fertility measures. So I never really feel part of the infertility tribe although I guess technically I am.

    When I do ICLW, I stumble across some blogs that have freakin spread sheets and charts and all sorts of acronyms and I have no damned idea what the hell is going on. SO...I click to the next blog.

    But I know that means something to SOMEONE, and this is all as a sisterhood of sorts. They might have a totally different goal than I do, but I can support their journey and learn things from them along the way. I think you are completely in the right place!

    Cheese Curds and Kimchi

  14. PS. Thanks for visiting my blog!

  15. First of all, ICLW is open to anyone and everyone who has a blog.

    Secondly, no one (at least no one sane) wants to be part of the infertility world. It sucks. However, stumbling into this world and this community could be one of the best things that has happened to you. These women (and a few men) seriously rock. They are open, accepting, and truly get it. While I hated traveling the IF highway (gawd that's cheesy), I would never want to give up the wonderful people it has brought into my life.

    I hope like hell you don;t spend much time thinking you might be infertile but, one way or the other, we'll be here through it with you.

  16. I agree with everything Kristin said above! Everyone is welcome in this (HORRID CRAPPY) group we never wanted to be a part of. The good thing - the women I've met through the IF (infertility) world have been AMAZING - and I mean AH-MAY-ZING. No matter where you are (hoping/relieved), starting to get more serious about it, pursuing ART or adoption... we're all here to support each other.

    PS - your post is the most refreshing one I've read today, and that's saying a lot!

  17. Thanks for your comment on my blog. And don't worry about not fitting in. We're not exactly a homogenous group, although i have found everyone welcoming. Anyhow, some people flit in and out of IF depending on where they are in their lives.

    And i know what you mean about the relief thing too - getting pg is such a big, life changing thing and anyone would feel a bit apprehensive about it!

  18. If you don't belong here, I don't belong here.

    I had one miscarriage resulting from an unplanned pregnancy almost three years ago, and have been PREVENTING pregnancy since then. But because my miscarriage was devastating to me, and all my real-life friends wonder why I'm not over it yet, I started blogging so I could have my uninterrupted say. And then I was found by these wonderful women, who understand EXACTLY how I feel, even though I can't even imagine some of the things they're going through/have been through.

    Stick around. You might like it here after all :)

  19. Brilliant post and welcome to ICLW! Community is a good thing so I wouldn't worry about whether or not you "fit in" with the other bloggers on this list. I'm always excited to discover a new blog (which, as I've done some scanning around, rocks).

    This might sound weird, but even I feel like a phony in the infertility community online (not that I'm calling you a phony, just echoing the sentiment of your post). Like you said, so many other people have been through SO much... and here I am, knowing that I can't have my own children but no actually TTC status to attach to my blog. I've never been pregnant. We were not actually trying when I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. And now we don't have the money to begin IVF with donor egg so... I'm an infertile lady who can have tons of condomless sex with her husband right now, with no consequences. But I blog about infertility. So... yeah.

    Anywho, I rambled. Feel free to take a poke around my blog and happy ICLW!

    ~Keiko, Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed, ICLW #23

  20. Hello luv - This is the strangest club to be a member of - none of us want to be here, but everyone is fascinating and so supportive. As I said - bizarre.

    Sending you love and a gentle hug for your loss



Please don't make me cry.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...