Thursday, March 17, 2011

From Dark to Light

I started a detailed post about my last 30 hours or so, but then I paused to tell Jimi a story and ended up having a meltdown.

I feel like there's a big heavy wet blanket of sadness hanging on me - but none of it is for me, except maybe a little piece of that breakdown that involved thoughts of "why can't I just be happy and ignore all of this?!"  This whole week has been full of shittiness and awfulness, but none of it is mine, not really.

I haven't watched the news in 2 days, or read the internet for more than a few minutes, so I don't really know what the latest is on the situation in Japan.  NPR has kept me up-to-date on the goings-on in Libya while I've driven to and from work and to and from Kimmie's house, but I haven't yet heard/seen the results of the UN vote that was going to be happening this evening.  Jimi's watching Destination Truth From Iceland on Syfy, and really, I've already had one crying fit tonight - I'm not interested in expending the energy it would take to ask him to find some news.  He's not really watching TV - he's got it on, and he was watching it, but now he's playing Radiohead's Creep on his ukulele - and he's singing.  He's good.  It's like having my own personal minstrel.  Why would I interrupt that for more reality-based terror?

I laid on the floor next to my friend today, and rubbed her back and squeezed her arm and kissed her head while she said goodbye to her faithful companion of 13 years.  I sobbed with her.

This afternoon I got the latest on my brother, and maybe one day I'll be brazen enough to blog about it, but tonight is not the night for that.  Suffice to say there's been a setback with his homecoming plans; it's his own fucking fault; I'm pissed and heartbroken, for him and for my parents.

That's the story I was telling Jimi, the one about the brother, when the waterworks began.  There's just so much sadness, so much heartbreak, so much tragedy, so much helplessness, so much ignorance - sometimes it's all so much.

I'm scared.  Like, viscerally, makes-my-stomach-hurt-if-I-think-about-it-too-much scared.

I'm scared that everyone I love is going to die and leave me (one day, they will, unless I beat them to the punch - and that's a whole another set of fear stories).

I'm scared that my brother has fucked up his life beyond repair, or that he's too fucking stupid to realize how serious his situation is, or worse, that he knows and doesn't care; I'm scared he's given up on himself, before his 22 birthday.  I'm scared that he's not going to spend his 22 birthday at home; I'm scared that he will and he'll get wasted to celebrate.  I'm scared that he's going to spend years in prison, that he'll become institutionalized, that he'll never do anything other than exist, and marginally at that.  I'm scared that he's going to be raped; I'm scared that he's going to die; I'm scared he's going to end up beaten horribly and paralyzed or worse.  God, I'm so scared.

I'm scared that Japan is going to suffer a nuclear meltdown and hundreds of thousands of people will be killed slowly over the next 5 decades.  Well, 5 decades - or 2012, whichever comes first.

I'm scared this 2012 shit is real.

I'm scared some shit will hit the fan while I'm still thinking about planning to maybe talk about buying some supplies to put together 72 hour kits.  I'm scared that I don't have much in the way of food storage yet; I'm scared that if I build up my food storage it won't matter anyhow because I'm scared we'd have to flee our home.  I'm scared that we don't have enough of an arsenal built up, or piles of boards and windows and foil and duct tape and plastic sheeting to cover all the windows in the house.

I'm scared that we're going to go to war in Libya.  I'm scared of what another war will mean for that region, and the impact it will have on the world.

It's just a lot, all in my head, all at once.

Life is scary.  Most days I can block out all the scariest parts; I can ignore most of it because it's not all up in my face and touching me and getting its slime on me.  A gradual building up of sucktitude, this week has piled all the worst parts right on top of me - none of them are my burdens, really, but they're all RIGHT THERE, right in my face, and it's just a lot.

But I have Mista Jimi and his ukulele; my personal minstrel.  And we've got our little sanctuary here, where sometimes things suck, but mostly things are pretty awesome just about all the time.  And sometimes, I have to step away from reality, turn off the news and enjoy the lame Syfy programming (we're to Leprechaun now, how appropriate), hug that man of mine as close as I can, kiss his lips and remind him how much I love him - even if he's heard it a million times before.

You know, the WHOLE week hasn't sucked.  On Monday, my boss brought me two "Kiss Me I'm Irish" Mardi-Gras-esque necklaces, two shamrock-laden rubber duckies, and 3/4 of a dozen cupcakes.  And I've run 3 out of 4 days this week.  And Jimi and I cleaned the kitchen together and cuddled and he played lots of music.  And I spent hours with Kimmie last night, and as sad as the undertones of the evening were, we had a good time.  Here's proof:

We're ridiculous.  And awesome.

Life can be so happy and good.  


  1. While I cannot allay all your fears, maybe I can help with a couple of them.

    1) The number of deaths directly related to Chernobyl is estimated to only be around 50. Almost all of whom were rescue workers. And Chernobyl was 100x worse than anything that could even possibly happen in Japan.

    2) If even the people on TV who spout about 2012 being 'the end' 100% believed in it, would they be wasting time making TV shows and making money? No, I mean if you're 100% sure you are going to die in the next couple of years because it's the end of the world then you go out and buy a sports car and do lots of coke and get a few hookers. You know, live like Charlie Sheen. The Mayan calendar doesn't even say that the world will end in 2012, just the age. Ages have ended before and we are still around.

    3) If you live in a relatively populated area, I honestly wouldn't worry about more than a few days of food and water and a bug-out bag.

    Hope that helps a bit. And hold on to the positive things, that is always good to get you through the rough bits!

    (I have been studying things like 2012, Mayan calendars, etc since I was 12 years old (and I am pushing 40) so if you ever have any questions/issues or whatever, feel free to email me!!)

  2. I am sorry Natalie. SOmetimes it feels good to let it out and you did. I freak abtout he 2012 thing too especially when all the birds died around New Year's! What is the food bag you are making and for what?! I may need one!

  3. Well gosh, now you got me all scared too!!

    Truth is, I really am scared about all of those things as well... especially the 2012 thing. I am a BIG believer in that and I think everyone laughing at it comparing it to the millenium fiasco are extremely naive. Our country is changing very rapidly and the world is getting worse by the minute.

    My husband and I are investing in weapons and food storage during this next year- I don't know if we will be prepared enough or not... who knows what will happen. Whatever will help you calm your nerves I say do it.

    Even though I believe "life as we know it will change forever" very soon, I know if I thought about it every day it would kill me. I would turn into some hermit that locks myself in the house with fear consuming my brain. I just try not to think about it, live my life to the fullest every day, try things that I wouldn't normally do, and make the most out of the life I have left. That's how we all should be living right now.

    When shit gets serious that's the time to worry/panic/freak out... but it's like the fear of what COULD happen is almost worse...

    Believe me... I understand!!!

  4. Thank you so much for being there for me, Natalie. Sometimes bearing other people's burdens, is the biggest burden of all. You did so with grace and love, and I love you for it.

  5. We live in troubled times Natalie but can't allow fear to paralyze us in any way.
    I'm glad you shared your feelings; think you will realize that most people feel the same. Things that are going on in your life are certainly stressful but you have a loving man by your side and dear friends to lean on; that's so much to be thankful for.

    Sending you a virtual hug and one for your friend Kim; I know how hard it was for both of you.

    Take care,

  6. "There's just so much sadness, so much heartbreak, so much tragedy, so much helplessness, so much ignorance - sometimes it's all so much."

    I feel overwhelmed like this a lot, and thought maybe I was just excessively sensitive. Glad to know I'm not alone in feeling like the world has gone straight to hell lately. My little piece of it is still safe, but like you I wonder how long will that last?

  7. I agree! I actually feel overwhelmed like this today!!! It's been a rough one and I was just about to post about it too! I hope it made you feel better!

  8. Ahh, you had to go and make me cry. I had high hopes of this being it, the final push to turn his life around and become the person he is meant to be. He is so talented in many ways and has a good heart. I'm just so sad and angry at the choices he's made. I can't imagine how you feel. If he can get letters and you don't think he'd mind me writing to him, let me know.

    I freak out about death and 2012 and stuff, too. I was having panic attacks over it constantly a few years ago and had to go on an anti-anxiety med. No fun. I just remind myself now that most likely everything is going to be fine and that life is great now and that's what matters. I take one day at a time and try not to think about the future too much.


Please don't make me cry.


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