I was going to come home and rage and pound on my keyboard until all the anger was gone. I was going to bitch about the incompetent motherfucker who promises the moon and then does NOTHING to make sure his promises are actually possible. I was going to rant about the stupid effing Outlook that can't do a simple query without locking up and requiring a restart. I was going to complain about the asshole who milked us for medical leave while he tried to find a job that would allow him to break DOT rules, then filed for unemployment on the basis of hostile environment because we wouldn't let him work a schedule he set.
I'm not going to do that, though. That won't fix anything. I'm going to be glad that I have a job. I'm going to be glad I've got a computer to assist me in doing my job, even if it makes me get violent every 45 minutes or so. I'm going to be glad I've got a folder of documentation that will easily dismiss the unemployment claim.
Problems all solved. My dog was waiting for me at the door, so excited to see me. Jimi put the leftover pasta from dinner into the fridge last night, instead of leaving it on the stove as I would've done, so I've got that for lunch now. Finn was happy to cuddle up on the JaxxSac with me, licking my arm while I rubbed his belly; I like to smell his sweet puppy head. It's hard to be mad when you're petting a puppy.
And what's the point? It doesn't solve anything. All my anger accomplishes is getting my blood pressure up.
As I sat at the light at 4th and Central, waiting for mine to turn green, a little old lady started to cross the intersection on the opposite side. I glanced up to my right; the cross-light was yellow now - back to the old lady - yep, she'll be almost to my lane right as the light turns green. "Fuck!", I think, pissed off that this little old lady is going to hold me up for 15 seconds. I felt the rising up of the madness, the injustice of it all - that insanity rushing up through me like a wave - then I noticed how her long coat was whipping around her sweat-pant-clad legs, and how her hair was all messed up - it's windy and cold and rainy here today, just a real yucky day to be walking outside. And this little old lady, who's probably cold as hell all the time anyhow, she's out in this nastiness, having to walk to the grocery or the bank or the pharmacy from God-only-knows-where, under God-only-knows-what circumstances - and I've got the gall to be pissed off that she's "inconveniencing" me for a quarter of a minute?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I get so wrapped up in me. My life, my head, my wants, needs, desires. It's all about me. What's easiest for me, what's best for me, what's most convenient for me. Forget everyone else, so long as I'm comfortable and content.
You know what, I wasn't going to write about this because it's so personal and hard to talk about without worrying that I sound like a crazy person, but I keep trying to think of everything BUT this and I just found myself crying instead and that's just not okay. I'm not pregnant, and it bothers the fuck out of me. I know, I know, I KNOW - there's time, it'll happen when it happens, if it's meant to be it will be, it's just not my turn yet - I KNOW. I get it. I do. I swear. And you know what? Maybe it'll never be my turn and maybe that's for the best and that's all well and good, but goddammit would someone please tell my fucking heart and brain? It's the first thing I think when I wake up in the mornings - "Am I pregnant?" - until I start bleeding, again, and then it becomes this quagmire of "maybe it'll never be your turn, Natalie. Maybe you're not meant to be a mother. You'd probably be horrible at it anyhow. And you know Jimi doesn't really want to make a baby with you. Look at you - who would? Besides, you're too much of a quitter and a fuckup and far too selfish to ever be able to raise a productive member of society - it's for the best that you don't contribute one more screwed up person to the world."
I don't want to think about this anymore. I want to be able to say I'm going to live my life and see what happens and not worry about it and mean it. I want to not go into a depression every time I start my period. I don't want to feel a panic set in when I'm mid-cycle, thinking "OMG gotta have sex NOW!" How romantic. I don't want to be this person. I don't like her and I think she's more crazy than I'm comfortable with.
But damn I want to have a baby. I'll be 31 next month; Jimi will be 40 in December. My biological clock is SO FUCKING LOUD.
I wish I'd never gotten pregnant. I wish I'd never known. I wish I'd not paid attention to my cycle enough that I'd not even noticed that I was late. I wish I'd never seen that second line. I wish I'd never gotten excited. I wish I'd never experienced any of it - I wouldn't be this person now if that little cluster of cells had never existed.
I've said many times that my life is nothing like I'd planned; I was going to go to college, get married, have a few babies before 30, and live happily ever after. What if life is REALLY like nothing I'd planned - what if babies never factor in?
Dear Natalie Of The Future:
If they've invented time machines, now would be a great time to find a way to send me some sort of sign
- do I get to be a Momma or not?
I think I can handle it either way, it's this waiting and wondering shit that blows goats.
Thanks for your help,
So maybe it's not my job that's the problem.
Okay...now that you've vented, feel a little better?ReplyDelete
Life's bullshit will pass; letting the malcontented people in society take away your power is a waste of your precious time.
Get past it, focus on the positive, when, and where, you can even though I well know that..it ain't easy!
Sitting here at my business today where, a short time ago, some guy walked into the bank right across the street, with a gun, got a bunch of $50's & $100's, and walked out the door, down the street. Fortunately, no one was hurt. We live in desperate times.
Can't offer much on the pregnancy situation other than gentle prayers and heartfelt wishes to the powers-that-be on your behalf.
Thinking of you and sending a big Hug!
I think I love you!!! Is that possible?ReplyDelete
There are very few bloggers out there that are this open about their lives and I prefer them this way... honest, raw, exposed... it takes a lot of courage to write what you just wrote, but you need to know that it's not just a rant you decided to blog about... it's a way for you to connect to others that are feeling the same way as you that lets them know they are not alone and that it's ok to feel that way.
I think your feelings are 100% normal for what you've been through. It's not easy... and when you do have kids it won't be any easier.
My only advice I can give would be to try and focus on all of the positive things in your life that you love... like your husband and that cute little puppy... just look around and be grateful for all the things you DO have rather than the things you don't. The universe knows what you want, but you may not be ready for it just yet. Whatever the reason... just trust that the events happening in your life are happening at a specific moment in time that are for your benefit. Trust that it will happen. Stay busy by doing things that make you happy :)
The good thing is that you are recognizing your actions and looking within for answers... whereas most people (like that asshole at work) will NEVER fucking get it!
Anyway... I don't know you, I've never met you, but I'm SO happy I found your blog.
You are wonderful!!!!
P.S. please don't judge yourself while driving... I'm pretty sure everyone is a selfish bastard on the road!
Every month that I would start my period I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry and rage to myself. I wanted to punch everyone in the face who would say stuff like 'It will happen when it's supposed to happen' or some other bullshit like that. I knew that they meant well, but nothing anyone EVER said made me feel better. I was green with envy every time one of my girlfriends told me they were pregnant. I hated them all sometimes. And it doesn't 'happen when you stop trying so hard'. There's no such thing.ReplyDelete
But you know what, sometimes it's better to know. Sometimes your body gets so blocked up with emotional garbage that it can't do it's job. And I know the feeling of failure. You're a woman. Your purpose is to carry a baby and give birth. When your body seemingly betrays you like that it's such a large feeling of having failed it's soul crushing. But maybe because you have this angst your body is rebelling against you. Maybe it's time to get checked out. Maybe all you need is to feel like you're in control.
Or you could just tell me to go away, that's okay too. ;) Believe me, I know it's hell. It shouldn't be this difficult. It really shouldn't.
Thank you for being so nice to me ladies.ReplyDelete
Patty, I do feel a little better. And you're right, it all passes and it's all fine now, a few hours later - and, as my Daddy used to tell me "You don't have to look far to find someone who's got it worse than you." It's not so bad on this end, really. I just needed to wallow for a minute. I get like that sometimes.
Kristen, I love you too; that desire to read intimate details about others' lives? We call that voyeurism (kinda). :) At least, that's what I call it - I want to know all the juicy details too!
Kari, my sweet, awesome, fantastic, wonderful Notie, I'd never tell you to go away. But I don't think our issue is medical, I think it's just bad timing (13 days a year!!!!). I mean, we're not even technically trying; I'm mostly just hoping.
Thanks again, friends, for your kind words. They mean a lot. :)
That's what I feel when I read your blog. You own your feelings, how many people can say that!I can't! We all want to be amazing, selfless, good natured, life will happen just the way it's suppose to people, but that's not actually how it is.
It took me a long time to get pregnant...the only, only word that comes to mind is "sucky." I talked myself every single month into saying, it will happen next month, it will happen, it will happen, it will happen.
My husband talked to me, telling me everything he should have and nothing I wanted to hear. How can he understand that my arms ached for a baby that wasn't even conceived yet, or that I have a mental lists of names that I have been toting around in my head for over 10 years. I get you! I totally, totally get you.
I read the comment above mine, by Kari. I think that there is a lot of truth in her writing. I do think that your body has a way of shutting itself down when you need it the most.
Light candles, buy beautiful pajamas, play soft music, and when the "deed" is done put your legs up, literally. I rested them on the head board..and talk to those confused little bugger sperm that won't ask for directions, into meeting your more than willing egg. This is a bit more personal than I usually write but I have a feeling you deserve it!!!
Sending positive thoughts your way!!!
Thanks for being so honest! It's refreshing and mighty brave of you!!ReplyDelete
We are here for you when you need us! Vent away!!
I LOVED your post - thank you. I'm also impatient and really appreciated the gentle slap re: my obsession with my own comfort and convenience.ReplyDelete
Hugs and babydust on your TTC journey. If you're not on Fertility Friend already, you'll find many great support groups there, whether you're fortunate as I was not to have a loss (so far and hope I never have to experience this), or if you're on the verge of giving up after many heartbreaks.
Your blog is your virtual home - never hesitate to be yourself!! Your post was a breath of fresh air to at least one person :)
I think I wrote that post a few years ago... All I can say is that it WILL happen, even if months go by and it feels like it couldn't possibly happen, it WILL happen. For me it took a course of Clomid for it to finally happen... Whatever the way, it WILL happen.ReplyDelete
Trust me :)
GREAT, you made me cry again. Eff this blog.ReplyDelete
Natalie, I am sooo glad you have such a great support group here. I see you every day, and this comes up in passing, but I never realized just how much this weighs on you. I don't really know what say, except I love you and support you. For such a selfish person *wink*, you sure are wonderful. Except when you're not. Haha.
I love you, friend.
I'm not sure I could have worse timing if I tried... right? I know the sick feeling I used to get every time someone else announced their happy news.ReplyDelete
I don't think I could say anything more than what Kari said above. so many stupid people in this world giving crappy advice on stuff they don't know... particularly the lack of babies problem. One of my closest friends told me that I just needed to relax and stop trying and then I would end up pregnant. I still get angry at that comment.
And STOP thinking those horrible thoughts about not being a good mother. I know those thoughts and they ARE NOT good for anyone and are generally not true. You deserve your desire as much as the next person and you are not selfish for wanting it as badly as you do.
I know you said you are all over this now. But I wanted to add my two cents (it's looks like a lot more than 2 cents) and let you know that there are those of us out there who know exactly how you are feeling. We also know there's not much that can be said to make you feel better, but we want to support you.
I'm sorry I just verbally diarrhea-ed all over your comments section.