Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Sometimes, I just want the floor to open up...

You guys really like it when I tell you embarrassing shit about myself, don't you?  Don't lie, you eat it up like candy.

In that case, here, have some more:

~  When I was 6, my aunt Sheila got married.  When she arrived at her bridal shower, I ran up to her and gave her a huge hug, yelling "HAPPY!..."  I faded out, realizing it wasn't her birthday, and no one says "Happy Bridal Shower!"  It's like my first ever embarrassing moment.

~  I remember her wedding reception vividly because I danced the night away and for years after considered myself a pretty fantastic dancer.  I even tried out for the dance team in middle school.  Once.  I didn't make it, of course.  And a few months later, when we were at a "dance" (one held in the middle school gym during school hours), I busted out one of those awesome dance moves I'd learned during try-outs.  The popular girls, the ones who'd made the dance team, they stood over there and watched me.  The looks on their faces told me they knew I was awesome and they were deciding right then and there to strike and never dance again until I was given my rightful spot on the team.  Until one of them said, "What is that supposed to be?"  She mimicked my arm-waving and foot-shuffling and I wished a hole would open up in the floor and swallow me.  I have claimed my white-girl status any time dancing has been mentioned in the subsequent years.

~  I didn't kiss a boy for the first time until I was 14.  He was my best friend's boyfriend.  Awesome, right?

~  I was in JROTC in high school, on the Drill Team, and I was pretty damned good, if I do say so myself.  This one time, during a competition, I was supposed to catch a rifle that was thrown over the formation - and I would've too, if the cow who threw the fucking thing hadn't been nervous and had thrown it somewhere near the same zip code where I stood.  The rifle went flying above and behind me, and convinced I'd be able to save it, I tried to make a dive for it...and landed on my ass.  In a military dress uniform.  In a skirt.  In front of a bunch of asshole teenagers.  I wanted to die, but not before I committed murder myself.

~  When I was 9, my hair got cut into a little pixie cut that would've been adorable on a skinny little elf of a child - with my round everything, well, do you remember Pat, from Saturday Night Live?  I went to church with a neighbor and her friend approached us, doing a double-take at me.  She studied me for a moment before turning to my neighbor and asking "Is that a boy or a girl?"

Oh, there are so many more, but my lunch hour is nearly over and I've not eaten yet.

Tell me yours, please?  Just one good one.  Please?


  1. I love you! I just do!! And I will make you feel better, or at least we can feel as if we are in the same club!!
    High school, grade 10. Wearing a dress...a babydoll dress. Yes because my hips were made for that kind of dress(HA!) And Army boots, cause they were "just so cool." But I have small feet and the boots were at least two sizes too big. I was walking down the stairs chatting with friends, tripped over my clown boots and went ass over teakettle, into the lobby, where all the popular kids hung out. You would think that was bad enough right? NOPE! Dress came up over my head right along with my backpack. So after fixing my dress I then had to somehow fix my backpack. Yep, it was AWESOME!!!
    Wanna start a club??


  2. LOL! I love knowing I'm not the only klutz in the world.

    When I was 7, I was flying first-class from Miami to Philadelphia on an airplane by myself (pass rider...my parents were divorced and living FAR away from each other). I was listening to my Disney cassette and there was no one else in first class so I rocked it out loud. I was alone, right? I sang every, single song (multiple times...as it was about a two hour flight) out loud, with passion and feeling and all the little tones and pitches of each singer. We're talking classic Disney: "Once Upon a Dream," "The Bare Necessities," "Everybody Wants to be a Cat," "Heigh Ho"...that lot of stuff (before "The Little Mermaid").

    When we landed in Philly and the flight attendant handed me over to my aunt, she said, "We LOVED having her on board. She sang the whole trip. Everyone in coach loved listening to her sing. What a beautiful voice!"

    So...yea...the WHOLE plane had been listening to my Disney renditions for two hours on that trip. I wanted to DIE!!!!!

    I was...and still am...mortified to sing out loud now as a result. I never know who is listening!!!

  3. One time on a long road trip, I stumbled sleepily out of the car at a public rest stop....and proceeded to follow my dad into the MEN'S restroom. Full of MEN. At NIGHT. And it was a truck stop...and it was a BATHROOM. Ulgh!

  4. Ladies, i love you all so much. Your scars are awesome! Thank you for sharing - it's good to know I'm not the only one!

  5. when i was 13 my best friend, and the boy i had the BIGGESTTTT crush on came to my house...the same day my mom invited a whole bunch of my aunts, uncles, and cousins over for a mini family reunion...my brothers and my cousins ganged up on me to show everyone what happens when u pin sam down to tickle her...long story short i wet myself some...and somehow managed to get my first period at the same time...so it was horrible...senior year we were having a most memorable moment discussion and they told the whole class the story...assholes lol

  6. In my early 20's, I went to the mall to do some last minute shopping. I was getting over a sinus infection and the flu, so I was doped up on anitbotics and cold medication. I had to go the bathroom, so in my medication induce haze I went to what I thought was the women's bathroom (so I thought, the bathrooms were not marked because the just went through a mini makeover)and went to the last stall. While doing my business, I heard a boy and his father walk in (imagine how quick my medication haze wore off!) and I realized I went into the MEN'S bathroom! I waited for them to leave and quickly washed my hands and ran out the bathroom and crashed into the cleaning lady.

  7. I too had an unfortunate androgynous haircut at age 9. Never again. My actual most embarrassing moment involves the last time I publicly wet myself. I was 13, and that's all that I'm going to say about that. I'm still embarrassed many years later.

  8. I was at a family gathering with lots and lots of extended family around. The birds flying overhead took a great big shit that landed on my shoulder. Everyone saw it.

    We all have things like that in our history. Only those of us who are strong and confident own our past embarrassments.

  9. The "first kiss experience" is really great!!

  10. When I was 13, I still had a paper route. It was a hot, sunny day, and I was all sweaty from dragging the giant blue paper carrier behind me. There was a very hot older guy on my route and when he came out on his porch, I tried to quickly wipe the sweat off my face before I got to his house. He was really nice too, and said "hey what's up?" as I walked up with the paper. I noticed that he seemed to be looking at my face with a strange expression as I got closer, but I was so nervous I was just happy not to fall down the porch stairs.

    Imagine my horror when I got home and discovered I had smeared newsprint all over my sweaty face, particularly right above my lip. Nice. Nothing like an ink mustache to make you look cute.


Please don't make me cry.


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