My boobs have that heavy, sore, full feeling. I remember it. It's not the same as "my nipples are tender because I'm about to start my period".
The dreams. The lack of sleep.
That's really all. I'm so not pregnant. I tell myself I don't want to be, but I want to be. Oh, I want to be.
I took a test at lunch today; negative, of course, but I imagined I could almost see a line there. Almost. Not quite, but almost.
But I'm not. I'm not. No way.
That was Monday night. Last night, my questions were answered in the form of cramps that were so severe I thought I'd throw up from the pain. Advil, heating pad, home remedies - nothing touched it. (That's not normal, thank goodness, and they are back to only mildly annoying this morning.)
I need you to tell me I'm not going to do this shit every month. I need you to tell me that one of these days my period will approach without me comparing every symptom to the way my body felt for that week 8 months ago when I, for a moment, experienced something new. Even when I know our timing wasn't such that would've lead to a baby, my brain still takes over in the last days of each cycle, causing me to analyze every twinge or cramp. I want to feel my body getting ready for menstruation and know that's what it is - not spend days comparing this to that and falsely convincing myself that I'm knocked up again.
I don't want this. I want that, but I don't want this. I don't want to buy stock in dollar store pregnancy tests, but the longer this goes on, the more I think of how much money it'd save.
I just want life to be back to normal. I want to not be crazy. I want to not feel foolish...but that's how I feel when I write shit like I wrote up there. (No, it's not the first time.)
I wish I could fully accept the idea of never having children. If I could convince myself 100% that would be okay, I think things would be easier. That fear of not having a choice - it's permeating everything.