Saturday, January 1, 2011

I fail at resolving things.

We're, what?, 21 hours? into the New Year and I've already messed up several of my resolutions:  I've not started the budget working, I smoked half a cigarette I bummed from Momma on the way home from the jail, and I haven't done a bit of exercise today.  No one is more surprised by this development than I.

On the bright side, I did put $200 into savings on Thursday when my check hit the bank, and two days later, I've not moved that money back into checking, so that's gotta count for something, right?  (Of course, I've not gone anywhere where I'd be tempted to spend money, but still...)

Our New Year was exactly as I'd predicted, but with the added bonus of a half hour spent dancing together in the living room.  I'm a horrible dancer, but as with the painting, I've decided I'll never get better by NOT doing it, so what the hell?  If I can't dance comfortably in my living room, I'll never be able to dance anywhere.  And Jimi's a great dancer; maybe he can teach me a thing or two eventually.

So we danced.  And I got my kiss at midnight.  And then we went outside to share the last cigarette EVER, and the cold rain had arrived just on time and we were glad we had stayed home and didn't have to drive anywhere. And then we had hot monkey sex.  (TMI?  Sorry.)

Today we'd planned to go visit Brother, and Momma called around noon to ask if she could go along too, so the three of us made the drive down, the visit, the drive home.  It was a good day.  It was good to spend the time with Momma, and it was good to see Brother face to face, to hug his skinny little waist, to touch his long bony cold fingers and know that he was in front of me, real and okay, not terrified or miserable or hurting. It was good to have a conversation with him where I not only recognized the words he spoke as being English (which was hard to do a time or two in the last four years or so), but also understood those words fit together to form coherent sentences and phrases and paragraphs of thought (which didn't happen much in the last four years or so).  Off the shit, my brother is funny and clever and a great story-teller and sincere.  He's a different person.

We're all praying that this version will stick around.

At some point tonight, I'm going to feel guilty about the no exercise thing and I'm going to either go for a walk or I'll spend thirty minutes on the balance ball trying to sit-up and crunch my way to a less-fat belly.  I won't see results immediately and I'll be pissed off and assume I'm not doing it right.  I'm guessing I'll end up on the ball because it's freakin' cold outside - down to 25, I think is what the bank clock said when we passed it on the way home an hour ago.  25!  from 60-something yesterday!  It's so much easier to make working-out resolutions when the weather is mild.

Oh, and the smoking thing.  Eff My Life, I suck at having will-power.  I rationalized that I deserved it because it was a long road trip and going to see Brother was stressful and it would make me feel better.  And then the angel on my other shoulder was all "Shut the eff up dumbass, you know you're just making excuses and that you'll never actually quit if you keep rationalizing that cheating doesn't count, that you're still somehow 'quitting' if you're puffing along on 'just one'."  I hate it when that bitch talks sense.  So I smoked half a cigarette of Momma's.  It didn't even taste good.  There was no pleasant head-rush.  And then I felt like an asshole.

And I'm scared of the budget thing.  Let's just call a spade a spade; I'm scared to see the mess I've made and I don't want to face it and if I just bury my head in the sand and pretend it's no big deal eventually it won't be, right?  Right.  Jimi's going to the Gun Show tomorrow (with Steve!), so I guess I'll spend my alone-time tackling this long-standing member of the "things that scare me" list.  Conquering fears and all that jazz.  Yeah. Something like that.  Growing up and facing the music, more like it.

But personal growth is supposed to hurt, isn't it?  Isn't that how it goes - you do a bunch of shit that's miserable and unpleasant, be it working out or sticking to a budget or suffering through nicotine withdrawals, for what seems like an eternity at first, until it doesn't suck quite so much and then one day you look around and you're thinner and working out isn't so miserable and you've got all kinds of money in savings and you've raised your credit score a hundred points and you can breathe and taste and smell better.  Years of not doing the right things pile on top of each other and eventually the world is going to demand a reality check and some punitive damages.  I'm 30; losing weight, stopping smoking, getting my finances in order like a big girl - these are things that will only be harder to accomplish and cause more damage the longer I ignore them.  No time like the present.

On that note, if I exercise for an hour tomorrow, can I skip it tonight?

1 comment:

  1. I know this is the part where I am supposed to criticize you for smoking and not sticking to your resolutions so early in the year. However, I am not going to. You only smoked half a cigarette, not even a whole cigarette. That shows some form of self control. As for the exercising, I think you should shoot for trying for a bit tonight. It's easy to say you're going to do extra tomorrow, but I know how that goes. It gets put off so much that you end up not doing it.

    I am glad that you got to see your brother and he's doing well. I really hope that he stays sober as well. I know how hard it is to see loved ones struggle with that.


Please don't make me cry.


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