You know, one of those days when my job is a complete, total soul-sucking whore.
I'm a manager. My job is to manage people and situations.
So why do I feel like every person I try to manage is secretly trying to make me insane or trying to get me to break down or trying to get me to just walk straight the fuck out the door and never come back?
I ask for things to get done, and they don't get done.
I give instructions on how to complete tasks, and the instructions are ignored.
I require that paperwork be turned in every day, and I get it in trickles...a little on Tuesday, some more Wednesday afternoon, maybe a one or two pieces on Friday.
So I end up chasing my tail, running in circles, doing it my fucking self. Because if I do it myself, at least I'll know it got done. And it'll probably be accurate, though I can't swear to that because I'm busy chasing my tail and running in circles while I do a million other things at the same time.
I've been told that i need to ask for help when i need help. So last week, when I was out of town and realized a major change needs to be made in the office and I was all, "Hey, you think you could do this for me? I really don't have time. You can handle this, right?"
And when i got back to town and it hadn't gotten done, I was all, "That's cool. Could you just please make sure it gets done today? I really want to get started on this."
And when i asked about it again today, a full week after the initial request, the shit still hasn't been done. It was "forgotten". Oops.
So now, i'm back to doing it my fucking self. Awesome.
The best part? I thought that person was the one person i could go to to get shit done. i was all, "well, everyone else might think I'm full of shit, but this person knows how stressed I am and respects me and of course they'll be willing to help me out."
i'm a joke
i have no business managing anything
i've got to find a new job
i want to cry
i want to scream
i want to throw things
i want to walk right the fuck out that door and not ever cross the threshold again.
God, this is depressing. My feelings are hurt. Really really hurt and I don't know what to do about it. My self-worth is directly tied to my ability to accomplish the tasks I'm handed, but lately I feel like i'm never accomplishing anything, just barely treading water and keeping myself from drowning. And i suck as a manager, so having that fact reinforced takes me to a dark place and i just want someone to turn a fucking light on.
Time to go back to the office. lunch is over. 5 o'clock, you can't get here soon enough.