Monday, September 13, 2010

I'm waiting for a call from the OB nurse so I can get in to see the doctor today.  I can't say the words out loud without crying.  I couldn't even leave the message without getting choked up.  "Um, I had an appointment with the doctor for my first appointment on 9/27, but I think I (sob) miscarried over the weekend and (sob) I'm Rh negative (sob) so I need to see about coming in as (sob) soon as possible to get everything (sob) checked out.  (sob...long pause while I catch my breath) please call me at..."

God, this sucks.  This sucks so freakin' bad.  I wish Jimi could've stayed home with me today...he is my strength right now.  He's the reason I got through the day yesterday.  Every time I got sad, he was right there with his arms around me, reminding me that it's all going to be okay.  And I know it's going to be okay, but God, why does it have to hurt so bad right now?

It was only here for a week.  I only knew for a week.  In a week, my whole world changed.  Now it's flipped right back to the way it was.  Why do I feel like something's been taken from me?  Why do I feel so empty inside?  Like all my happiness, all my excitement, all the good was just sucked right out of me.  I feel lost.

Okay, I know this shit happens all the time, to women who are better-prepared, who want it more, who try for years, but still I want to climb on top of the roof and scream as loud as I can "WHY ME???!!!"  Why our baby?  We only wanted the one...couldn't we have just had this one?  I didn't want to be that one in four who loses the baby in the first few weeks.  I wouldn't want to wish it on someone else, but I sure as hell didn't want it to be be us.  Ours.

And oh, I'm so scared to "try".  I'm so scared to make an effort...what if we can't have babies?  I can't take that heartbreak.  What if it's not meant to be for us?  When it was us making the choice, it was one thing, but to not have a choice to make?  Oh, I don't think my heart could take it.  Not after this.

The OB nurse called.  I'm seeing them at 11:30. I'm so not shaving my legs.

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Please don't make me cry.


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