I'm waiting for a call from the OB nurse so I can get in to see the doctor today. I can't say the words out loud without crying. I couldn't even leave the message without getting choked up. "Um, I had an appointment with the doctor for my first appointment on 9/27, but I think I (sob) miscarried over the weekend and (sob) I'm Rh negative (sob) so I need to see about coming in as (sob) soon as possible to get everything (sob) checked out. (sob...long pause while I catch my breath) please call me at..."
God, this sucks. This sucks so freakin' bad. I wish Jimi could've stayed home with me today...he is my strength right now. He's the reason I got through the day yesterday. Every time I got sad, he was right there with his arms around me, reminding me that it's all going to be okay. And I know it's going to be okay, but God, why does it have to hurt so bad right now?
It was only here for a week. I only knew for a week. In a week, my whole world changed. Now it's flipped right back to the way it was. Why do I feel like something's been taken from me? Why do I feel so empty inside? Like all my happiness, all my excitement, all the good was just sucked right out of me. I feel lost.
Okay, I know this shit happens all the time, to women who are better-prepared, who want it more, who try for years, but still I want to climb on top of the roof and scream as loud as I can "WHY ME???!!!" Why our baby? We only wanted the one...couldn't we have just had this one? I didn't want to be that one in four who loses the baby in the first few weeks. I wouldn't want to wish it on someone else, but I sure as hell didn't want it to be me...to be us. Ours.
And oh, I'm so scared to "try". I'm so scared to make an effort...what if we can't have babies? I can't take that heartbreak. What if it's not meant to be for us? When it was us making the choice, it was one thing, but to not have a choice to make? Oh, I don't think my heart could take it. Not after this.
The OB nurse called. I'm seeing them at 11:30. I'm so not shaving my legs.