I think I've lost the baby.
The spotting I had yesterday? It turned into a full on flow about 3 this morning and hasn't stopped. I'm cramping like its that time of the month. My boobs don't hurt anymore. There's still a chance, but I'm not holding out any hope that this is anything other than a miscarriage.
I'm not devastated. I'm very, very sad. My heart is a little broken. I wish we had been able to keep a secret, because it hurt to tell my Momma this morning, knowing that it was probably breaking her heart. I'm so sad for Jimi, because he was so excited. I'm so sad for us, because we wanted this so much.
But it will all be okay. It'll be fine. We prayed for a healthy baby, and this is the universe's way of saying, "This one wasn't going to make it, guys. There was something wrong and it wasn't going to work out." But we can try again. Jimi wants to try again. I still want to have a child that's a perfect blend of all the best things about both of us. This one just wasn't meant to be.
He went to the store and got me a box of pads. (They say tampons can lead to infection.) I didn't even have to ask, he was all "Want me to go to the store and get you some pads?" What a man. What an amazing, wonderful, kind-hearted, considerate, loving, attentive, sweet SWEET man.
We were up most of the night, holding each other and crying and reminding ourselves that things will be okay, that this is for the best, that we can try again, that this happens all the time, that I didn't do anything wrong, that WE didn't do anything wrong, that it'll all be okay. I feel fine...just tired and drained and sad. So sad. Like I've failed, like my body has failed at the one thing it was made to do. But I know that's not true. I know this happens all the time, to women who are in better shape, eat healthier, have been trying for years to have a child.
And thank goodness it happened now, rather than 3 months from now. Rather than after I'd started feeling movement. Rather than after the point where it can pass like a normal period, rather than when I'd have to go through the horror of delivering a stillborn baby. But it still sucks. It sucks really bad. And I'm so sad.
It makes it worse that I can't even talk to my doctor until tomorrow morning. I'm going to have to go in for an exam, make sure everything's expelled, make sure I don't need a D&C. I'm going to need a shot because I'm Rh negative and Jimi's pretty sure he's Rh positive, and if I don't get the shot, my body will make antibodies that can attack any future fetuses that have Rh positive blood.
It's a beautiful day. It's the sort of day that makes you smile just to be out in it. I can smile through my tears. There's a whole big world out there, and my sadness is just a very very small part of it today. There is still so much happiness to experience. I still have so much to be thankful for. I still have so much love around me.
It's going to be fine. It'll all be fine. It's just sad right now.