Friday, September 9, 2011

Dress Debacle 2011 - OVER. And poop.

In other news, the Dress Debacle of 2011 has resolved itself.

The shop where we purchased the dresses has apparently experienced chicks like me before - they've got this nifty little policy that says if you pay them an extra $10, you can return your too-small (or too-big, I guess) dress and they'll order the correct size.

A dress that fits me will be in next week.  Problem solved!

I'm not giving up, I'm being realistic.  I was nearly having a panic attack every time I thought about it - about how awful I was going to look with one of those zip-in panels, or worse, having to tell my friend that I can't do it because I can't wear the dress I bought for the occasion.  That's not really an option, you know?  It's kind of a big deal, a person's wedding.

I feel like a total quitter, but I don't care.  That dress will zip come mid-October, and I'm not going to starve, lose sleep, or have to get back liposuction.  And I can still work my butt off and get skinny again - but I won't have the lingering "I hate myself" guilt if I eat an extra 100 calories throughout the day.


Completely off subject, but can I mention how much I absolutely hate smelling other people's shit?  Some truck driver came into the office yesterday and asked to use the bathroom.  I didn't think anything of it - until he was gone for 10 minutes.  When he finally came out, a waft of stink followed him down the hall, into the vestibule, and out the door.  "Oh fuck," I thought.  I went searching for the air freshener, getting a quick tendril of stink every now and then, which helped keep me focused on my mission.  I finally found the spray in Kim's office and made my way back down the hall toward the source of the offensive odor.  

The bathroom door was ajar by about 6 inches, and the light and fan were on inside.  I held my breath and approached, Oust can held out directly in front of me.  I reached my arm only just inside the door and held down the nozzle - and then I had to take a breath in

I woke up on the floor of the hallway, gagging and with tears streaming down my cheeks.  Okay, I didn't really pass out, but I may as fucking well have.  Jesus Mary and Dominic, that man must've been full of pure unadulterated evil and it was escaping from his asshole.  

I really hate smelling other people's shit.  

And then Kim got to work.  "Before you even go into your office, I want you to walk down the hall and stick your head in the men's room and take a big whiff," I instructed, honestly believing she would do it without question.  

"What, did someone take a big shit?"  Why was she not walking down the hall?

"Yes.  OMG YES."  

"And you WANTED ME TO SMELL IT?!  Thanks a lot, Friend."  

"Only because you were hiding the air freshener in your office!  I nearly died searching for it!"


I'm so happy Friday is here.  This has been the longest 4-day workweek EVAR.  I'm over it, and I need to recharge.  If I could call in sick today, I'd do it.  Oh well.  I'm going to focus on the good.  It'll all be fine.  Every little thing gonna be alright.  


  1. ok Look You are perfect the way you are. You are a woman. A woman has lovely curves and boobs and THANK GOD the dress problem is fixed. You want to get healthy and strong by eating healthy and exercising, well that's a fantastic reason to change your eating habits and lifestyle. Stressing out over a dress.... woman.... I want to smack you with a wet noodle! Now, be healthy for YOU cause YOU are worth it, put your sexy self in that dress and have a fantastic time with your friend. :-)

  2. I'm glad you got the dress changed - "dieting" to fit into a dress is never fun. Well, dieting in general is no fun and should be verboten. Now you can relax and just keep thinking about how much you move (because you know that your body wants to move :) )and whether what you eat is kind to your body or not. (and throw away scales and measuring tape!)

  3. Sometimes I want to call in on Fridays and say my son is sick (because he can't go to daycare if he has fever) and then just take him over anyway and then stay home alone.. but I don't.
    Here's to dress shops with Fatty Patty policies!

  4. I'm glad you got the dress issue taken care of. It's never good to starve to fit in a dress.

  5. Yeah for the dress policy!!!! Glad that you don't have to stress out over it! If I could call in every Friday, I would! Nothing like staying home because you don't feel like dealing with the bullshit from work.

  6. I do that all the time. I always need someone to share in the horror that my nose has just experienced. Be it my stinky, sweaty running socks I've just removed or a newly opened tupperware container that's been in the back of the communal office fridge for the last 4 months. Sharing is caring after all.


Please don't make me cry.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...