Thursday, November 5, 2009

On Work

Work is making me a bad person.

My job is stressful. STRESS-FULL. Some weeks, I threaten to quit 3 times a day, but i know I won't, and they know I won't, so I should probably stop saying it. Acting like I have some sort of control over this insane part of my world in which I actually have no control makes me feel a little better, so if you could stop calling my bluff, co-worker Kim, that would be much appreciated.

I guess I handle pressure okay. I used to think I was great under fire, and if that was only measured by "does the job get done?", I would probably still believe that. I'm tactless, though, and that is becoming a big downfall. My JROTC instructor once told me, "Natalie, you'd make a great leader, if only you could learn some tact." Eleven or 12 years later, that still stings, because it's still true. "Fuck" is one of my favorite expletives. I use it WAY too frequently. I also tend to get loud when I'm agitated. And I blow things out of proportion. And I have a hard time remembering my boss's advice: "It's just a job. Take it one thing at a time. Accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, and learn to recognize the difference." Yeah yeah yeah.

I am good at my job. I dispatch truck drivers, and I've got that part down pretty well. I've got the paperwork part covered, too, even if it does sometimes take ALL DAY to do 30 minutes worth of billing. I'm good at talking to the customers and taking their orders and discussing price changes and invoice questions. I've got my routine down so I'm able to have the next day's production schedule ready to go each night before I go home, so that part's fine. I'm still struggling to find time to check the drivers' logs on Friday afternoon instead of Monday morning, but it's getting done, and that's the important part, so I'm doing okay there. I'm good at adapting to changes when the production lines go down or a truck breaks or an order just doesn't get finished in time. I get along fabulously with my co-workers and superiors. My office feels like a second home - I'm comfortable, appreciated, and well taken care of.

So what's my fucking problem? All of that? All that I listed up there? I do all of it. At the same time. Sometimes, I'm on the phone for an hour straight, clicking from line to line to line, because the calls come in one after the other. And that's with two people screening for me! I receive 80 to 100 emails a day, and they all have to be acknowledged.

No, that's not it. That's not my real problem. My real problem is that a HUGE portion of my ability to do my job requires relying on people to do theirs. And their part doesn't always get done, which in turn, creates more work for me.

I am lazy; my home is mess, my car is a sty, and my dishes don't get washed every night. In my off time, I prefer to smoke pot, drink beer, and play on the internet. I'm lazy, okay? But I'm also a perfectionist. I don't like to do things half-assed. I firmly believe in doing things right the first time so you don't have to fuck with it later. I am shocked to learn that not everyone in the workforce feels the same way. Shortcuts are the law of the fucking land, and it makes me insane. I don't understand the "oh well" approach. I don't get the "we'll fix it later" attitude.

This is why I say "fuck" so much. This is why I get agitated, which leads to loud, which leads to me feeling like an asshole for not being able to be one of those "oh well" sort of people and just going with the flow, taking the punches as they come, fixing it later.

I'm still blaming this on someone else, aren't I? Fuck it. I'll deal with that later.

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Please don't make me cry.


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