Tuesday, February 28, 2012


I was talking to Stacy one night about Brother, and the guilt that I carry with me for not being a better sister to him when he was small. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever forgive myself for the things I did, or didn't do, as a child. 

(And then I realized that if I carry this much guilt, how must my Momma feel?)

Brother needs a job in a bad way.  Brother has a past that is fighting against him, turning leads into dead ends and favors into smoke.  Brother's trying, but his frustration is palpable, and I worry for him if someone doesn't give him a break soon.  

We all need second chances.  Third, fourth, fifth chances, some of us need. 

Of course, when we talked, I said all the wrong things.  I always do.  I forget myself.  I forget the lens through which he sees me.  I wish he didn't think I had my shit together.  I wish he didn't think I'm old and out of touch. 

I wish I'd been a better friend to him when we were young. 

He was upset when we hung up the phone yesterday, and he didn't call me back.  Of course, I was in bed at 9:45; his night was probably just getting started.  I am old and out of touch.  His voice is what I heard before I went to bed last night and as I was becoming conscious this morning. 

He could sure use some positive thoughts sent his way, or prayers sent up on his behalf.  If you've got a moment today, would you spare it for him please? 


  1. Done, babycakes. Done. I started praying as soon as I saw the title to your blog. I'm sending positive vibes and prayers his way.

    And yours. You're doing a good job being a good sister. Don't ever think otherwise. :)

    1. Thank you. Thank you for always being so kind and good to me.

  2. I don't think any of us ever really have our shit together. Maybe it would help him to hear that from you? Unless, of course, your mis-imagined togetherness inspires him in some way?

    I find it so hard to talk to my own siblings that I simply do not, so I might not be the best person for advice though.

    1. I've tried to tell him that I'm not as perfect as he thinks I am, but from where he's standing, my life looks pretty perfect, I guess, and I worry that when I tell him my challenges I sound like I'm complaining about all of my "first world" problems when he's just trying to survive. I've tried to tell him about the lows that came before the highs, but he can't see that our situations could be in any way similar.

  3. Sending positive thoughts and compassion your brother's way.

  4. i'm positive that you're a better sister to him than you give yourself credit for. i truly hope he finds something soon. you're right, everyone deserves another chance, regardless of what number it is. good luck to him!


Please don't make me cry.


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