Flaky? Yes, I am.
I started a 3-day diet this morning, then I had chinese food for dinner. I haven't walked in days. Despite January's success, I've smoked my way through the month of February. I'm a flake.
Any day now, I'll stick to the changes I keep saying I'll make. Any day now.
Looks like we're taking an extra-long weekend at the first of April and heading out to Washington D.C. to visit Jimi's older brother and see some sites. I love Washington. I've been at least a half dozen times over the years, and I guess it'd be fair to say it's my favorite vacation destination because it's the only place I've really been on vacation as a grown-up. I'm not sure what my connection is with that town, but I feel drawn to it. I love the history. I love that there are a million things to do. I love that the museums are free; I love that there are a million museums. I love riding the Metro. I love that all the monuments are right there on top of each other, all lined up for awe-inspiring viewing any time you turn your head. I love that Jimi's brother lives just a few dozen miles south, making it easy for us to go touristing on the cheap - no hotel rooms to blow the budget, and we can park and ride the Metro into town, keeping transportation costs to a minimum. I'm super excited.
I've been watching and listening to a lot of news in the last few months, and it makes me paranoid and scared. There is so much horror and fucked-up-ed-ness going on in the world; I want to move to an island of my own where I can live on the land and hide my head in the sand and pretend the whole works isn't on the verge of a massive upheaval/collapse. I can't think about it too much - it makes my chest start to feel tight. What's up with the sudden vicious attacks on women and reproductive rights/health? I still can't understand why the richest of the rich get tax breaks and the poorest of the poor lose their access to annual gynecological exams. Isn't it the responsibility of those who have the most to look out for those who have the least? And don't get me started on the back-room financial deals and conspiracy theories and Wall Street bullshit - I have to make myself stop thinking about it because, realistically, who am I? All that happens when I read that shit is I get pissed off and my blood pressure goes up but I can't even bitch to anyone about it because no one cares because what can we do about it? It's bigger than we'll ever be.
I'm talking a bunch of nonsense, I know. I'd much rather live in a state of ignorant bliss, so I try to pretend all this shit isn't lurking right there on the edge of my reality every day, that I don't live in a world where some billionaire's desire for more leads to a decision that could have me and all my besties standing in a breadline in the blink of a keystroke. I sound like a raving lunatic.
I know I talk all the time about how much I love Jimi and how awesome he is, but seriously, I must've done something remarkable in a past life to get to spend this one with him. I see miserable lovers every day; people who love each other in words only - or maybe they don't even say the words anymore. My marriage taught me one hard lesson: there are worse things than being alone. Jimi taught me it is possible to be loved as much as you love; I can't help but feel sad for anyone who settles for less than that. There's so much sadness in the world...I sometimes have to make a conscious effort not to yell from the rooftops about my happiness.
I don't even know what I'm talking about. This is what exhaustion and MSG will get ya.