How many times has your man just not come home?

A friend asked me that the other day, while telling me about her new break-up.  Six, was her answer.  Zero was mine.  I'd kill him.  To not come home, to just disappear for an entire night, with no phone call or "Hey, I'm staying at so-and-so's tonight" - cannot even imagine.

Another woman I know is in a long distance relationship - she says he's the best thing that's ever happened to her, that he's wonderful and is better to her than she ever imagined a man could be.  But every couple of weeks, he stops answering her calls or returning her texts.  For up to four days at a time.  Most recently at Christmas and New Year.  There's always some lame explanation - he was sick or busy at work.  Too sick or busy to text "I love you, but I feel like shit and can't talk because my throat hurts"?

Our administrative assistant has not been in the honeymoon phase since her wedding last July - her husband has a drinking problem and regularly becomes belligerent and mean.  Yesterday, she told me how the weekend was good, and how he's trying to turn over a new leaf and be a better husband to her.  Last night, he didn't come home.

So.  This is a normal thing?  This is common?  I wouldn't have thought so, but dang, there seems to be a lot of it going around.  How often does your husband/wife/partner not come home at night?  How many times have you stayed up till the wee hours of the morning, praying he'll pick up before the next ring, or that you'll hear his key in the door at any moment?  How many times have you wondered, "Should I call the police?  The hospitals?"

I had one boyfriend one time who did something similar.  He came home, he just came home very very late.  He'd been fucking another chick, of course, but I didn't learn that until many months later.  I was so relieved he wasn't dead, my anger was quenched by his bullshit story about playing some video game with his brother and falling asleep on the couch.

My ex-husband never did that, though.  Jimi's never done it either.  That's childish inconsiderate cruel unacceptable behavior.  Grown-ups don't do shit like that.

Thoughts formed over Mexican food

What kind of woman actively pursues a married man?  A married man with a child?

What sort of character must you possess to text things like "I'll leave the door unlocked, in case you're able to get away"?

What kind of woman ignores a wife's plea of "I need you to go away, like you promised you would"?



What kind of man actively pursues a woman who is not his wife?  What sort of father hurts the mother of his child in that way?  What is he teaching his daughter about how men should treat their wives?

How deeply flawed must one be to repeatedly lie and cheat?

What kind of man ignores his wife's plea of "If you love me, if you love us, please stop this"?



What kind of woman actively allows herself to be disrespected and demeaned?  What example does she set for her child?

How badly has she been hurt that she accepts that an unfaithful spouse is simply her lot in life, the way of things, nothing that can be helped?

What sort of woman is able to live in a world of instability and insecurity and fear that's been created by the man to whom she's devoted her life?



What kind of friend can listen to a tale such as this and not want to punch the lying cheating bastard in his face?  How could you not want to pull the triflin' bitch's hair from her ugly head?

How much trouble can you really get into for egging someone's car?

What sort of friend could ignore a scorned wife's plea of "Let's just go for a drive - please?"?

Love, and things like it.

Do most people have fights with their partners that involve yelling, name-calling, screaming, throwing things, breaking things, scratching, choking, hitting, punching, biting?

Is that how most of you handle disagreements in your home?  Is that how you deal with someone not giving up the remote control or refusing to stop drinking or not emptying the dishwasher or lying about a secret fling on the side or spending too much money or not having enough money?

I was in a relationship like that once.  It's soul-crushing.  I blame my willingness to tolerate such horror on my young age and ignorance.  The ignorance plea doesn't fly, though - I was raised in a home with two parents who love and adore each other, and I can count on one hand the number of times I've heard them raise their voices to one another.  Physical abuse?  Forgetaboutit.  My father would rather cut off his own arms, and my mother has far too much class to resort to raising her hands.

But it's everywhere.  It's all around us and we don't even see it.  People are hurt every day by the people they love most in the world.  The one who is supposed to love them unconditionally cuts them down with hateful words and mean glares and cruel actions.  That's not love.

Love is a building up of one another.  Love is support and safety and security.  Love is a mutual give and take that comes from two people being kind, keeping confidences, helping, giving.  Love is rolling your eyes and swallowing the smartass remark when the sink is full of dishes and the dishwasher hasn't been run.  Love is negotiating control of the remote in exchange for use of the laptop.  Love is being so angry you want to scream and yell and throw things and push and hit and say hateful words...but you swallow all of that because you love that person more than anything else in the world and you've promised you'll never do anything to hurt them and so you stomp down the hall and slam a door and when you cool off you say "Okay, let's talk about this".  Love is respect; basic human respect.  Love is never saying anything in anger to your partner that you wouldn't say to your boss or your employee or your best friend.  Love is rising above emotions and remembering the greater, sacred emotion that connects your heart to theirs.

Love is so much more.