Tomorrow. February 20, 2013. I've been anxiously awaiting this day since June 13, 2012 - since that second pink line appeared as an answer to years of hoping and dreaming and wishing and wanting.
Baby Girl is going to be here any day. Probably not tomorrow, but tomorrow feels like the finish line.
I can't believe we're here. I have a house full of baby things - I'm sitting next to a box of a dozen new cloth diapers, with my hypnobabies book in front of me, my arm resting across my swollen belly that shifts and moves every few minutes - I still can't believe this is my life, my reality, that I'm going to be a mom any day now. Some time within the next 2 weeks, Jimi and I will be parents to a real live baby that is going to sleep in the bassinet that's currently positioned next to our bed.
I just can't believe this dream is coming true. I'm so happy, I'm so excited, I'm so scared.
At my appointment yesterday, the nurse asked if I wanted to be checked. I'd previously said I wasn't going to do that - I know it's no guarantee of anything - but when the option presented itself, I answered with a sheepish "Yeah, kinda". I wanted to know if there's any progress, if my body is doing anything to get ready to get this baby out of me. When the midwife announced I was 2.5 - 3 cm, I was over the moon with excitement - my cervix works! It's doing what it's supposed to do! Hurray!
So of course now, I'm horribly impatient and I just want her to show up NOW. I'm ready. Well, as ready as I can be, having never done this before and having no real idea of what in the fuck I'm actually in for.
I'm scared. I'm afraid of the pain that I'll be in after I come home. I'm afraid that something may go wrong with all my best-laid plans - for a natural birth, for breastfeeding, for not being a horrible mother. I'm afraid of the lack of sleep, and the demands of a newborn. I'm afraid there's something we've not done, that something will come up we're not prepared for. I'm afraid my hormones will take over and change the person I am. I'm afraid that I'll be mean to Jimi. I'm afraid the stress of having a new baby will change US. I'm afraid my daughter won't be perfect, that something will have been missed, that something will be wrong. I'm afraid that feeling that last part makes me a horrible person. I'm afraid of how I'll react if that fear became reality. I'm afraid of something terrible happening, some freak horrible thing that hurts my daughter.
I tell myself over and over that these fears are all normal, and nothing to actually worry about, because everything is going to be perfect and fine and nothing will go wrong and she IS perfect and every little thing is gonna be alright so I shouldn't worry about a thing. It's all going to be wonderful.
I think it'd be really neat if she was born tomorrow. Right on time. Very punctual.
I just want her to be here. I'm ready for her. I'm ready to start the next stage in our journey as a family - a family of three. Three is a magic number.