**Disclaimer: This shit is TOP SECRET, yo. Well, as Top Secret as it can be when it's posted on the internet. I can't not blog about this life-changer, but if you know me in real life, please don't share the news - I can't bear to have to make those phone calls or announcements again if things don't end well.
Hey there good buddies. I wanted to write this, or something like it, yesterday, but yesterday was kind of a bad day. I worked 10.5 hours and then sobbed the whole way home, then got home and sobbed for the next hour. It's possible I'm a little over-emotional, but it's just as likely that my job is a soul-sucking whore that's trying to break my spirit. Maybe a little of both?
I made it to six weeks, folks! Can I get an "atta girl"? Yesterday was a line of demarcation I'd set in my head - will I make it that far? - and next week will be even bigger. Fingers crossed we get there.
We had dinner Tuesday with also-newly-pregnant friends, and talking pregnancy talk live and in person with another first timer was surreal and wonderful and made my heart so happy. Comparing symptoms, joys, fears - the same stuff all the women do on Baby Center, but this felt real, if that makes any sense. It's one thing to type it all out and commiserate with strangers, but to say actual out-loud words...it brought this thing to a whole new level of reality. I've been reticent to talk too much about it with anyone, because of my fear of it ending, but Tuesday gave me new hope and encouragement.
The sore boobs come and go, and I much prefer it when they're around because then I don't worry so much that something may be wrong. I haven't had any more episodes of nausea since the one last Friday. I still have some occasional cramps, but they're becoming more infrequent. My appetite is good. I love sleep and had to take a nap after work on Monday just to get through the evening - sometimes the tired comes over me and it feels like a weighted blanket. The mood swings, though - I'm over them. I've broken down at work a dozen times in the last two weeks, and while I'm naturally a crier, this is a new level of distraught that renders me incapable of holding back the tears. I've fantasized in the heat of the moment about walking out of my job and never going back...the thing that makes me think crazy thoughts like that, though, is the same reason I can't act on them. I'm going to have to work harder to find a way to keep my emotions in check.
During after-dinner conversation with our guests Tuesday night, Jimi broke my heart a little. Lisa asked him, "So, now that you've got a baby on the way, are you guys going to be making with the marrying?" He told her yes as I was saying "we haven't even talked about it yet" - we hadn't talked about it. Last time, the day I took the test he said, "Natalie, I will marry you", but then the baby wasn't and we never did. It became pretty fucking important to me about a year ago, to the point where I went into a pretty dark place this past winter when no proposal came. I've said my piece on the matter, though, made my feelings known, and let it go, figuring it'll happen eventually, hopefully. A few weeks back, I asked Jimi what he sees in his mind, immediately, when someone says the word "marriage". "Failure" was his response. Okay. If that's a word he connects with marriage, no wonder he's not in any hurry to do it. Tuesday, though, he told Lisa that he'd been afraid to marry me, because he knows I want children, and he was afraid that maybe he couldn't give them to me. Maybe he wasn't physically able to make a baby with me. His biggest fear is that we'll marry and not have babies and one day I'll come to him and tell him I have to divorce him because I need to have children. This is why you should talk about your feelings, people, so that your SO doesn't find out about your deepest darkest most heartbreaking fears while in a social setting where it's inappropriate to cry and delve into an in-depth discussion.
Obviously, there's more to that story, but that's going to have to be for another time. I have to go take a nap now.