The First Year

I waited for her for so long.  Her middle name, which we've finally decided is pronounced "AyvLEEN" (Aibhilin), means "child who was longed for", and it is so fitting and true - she was longed for.  She was worth the wait. 

I can't believe how lucky we are, how lucky I am.  That we would be so fortunate to have her as our daughter - our own little baby to love and adore - I can't imagine what we must have done in a previous life to deserve such a pleasure.  We must be favorites of the one who assigns children. 

She's a year old tomorrow.  12 glorious months, 365 days filled with so many smiles my face hurts daily.  She's easy - she loves people, but she's fine with playing on her own, too.  If she's fussy, something's amiss - she needs a new diaper or a nap or a boob.  She eats nearly everything you put in front of her, and nursing is still going strong and has been a breeze (once we figured out what we were doing).  Her favorite words are Mama and Dada and Duck, but she talks all the time; her sweet little voice is more beautiful than wind chimes.  She's been walking for weeks and is nearly a pro; still lots of stumbles, but that could also be because of the 9 mo. clothes she's still able to wear - the footie pants don't have grippy feet.  She still wakes once a night to nurse, but has gotten much better at not waking when I return her to her own bed.  She's healthy and smart and so much fun. 

I can't believe how fast it's gone by, this last year.  If I think about it too much i'll start to bawl; she was so tiny just a moment ago, but I blinked, and now she's walking and talking and before I know it she'll be off to college and won't need me anymore unless she needs someone to co-sign for an apartment.  I can't believe how much I've missed.  So many hours at work missing her sweet smiles when she wakes from a nap, or watching her discover new things.  She's still a baby, but she's becoming a little girl and it makes me so sad that I didn't enjoy those brief moments a little more, that I didn't soak them in better.  But I don't know how I could have, honestly - they were gone before I knew they were fleeting.  I told Jimi, "It's like she wakes up a little more every day."  Like a flower blooming. 

There is so much to motherhood that I didn't know was part of the package, so many day to day trivialities  that you never consider when longing for a baby.  I'll be honest, even though I'm scared to curse myself by sharing this thought:  it's so much easier than I thought it would be. It's hard as hell, don't get me wrong, but I love her so much, I want to do everything for her, i'm happy to do everything for her, it's my privilege and my honor to do everything for her.  Not that I don't get frustrated, because I do, but when it is all said and done, I'm so blessed to be in her orbit, and to be her mother - it's a prize greater than anything I could imagine.  My job is easy because she is easy; I don't fool myself into believing my thoughts on this matter are typical or even that they would be the same or similar if we made Geneva a sibling (which is the main reason we plan for her to be an only child).

I kept her alive and happy for an entire year.  Do you know how much sleep I could've gotten had I known last year i'd reach this point this year?

Lucky mom

We took a late nap today, like 4 to 7, and so we felt justified in taking little girl out to get Mexican food for dinner at 8 o'clock.  She ate cheese and lettuce and fruit/veggie/yogurt melt things and an entire pouch of pear/kiwi/spinach baby food stuff.  she probably would've eaten the heck out of some ground beef from our tacos, too, but she's not had meat yet and i'm not sure why we're holding off but it's felt like the right thing so no taco meat for the Hiku tonight. 

She decided last weekend that she didn't need her walky-walk toy anymore to get around and left it behind to walk across the floor.  She hasn't completely abandoned it or the couch or a wall to help her get where she's going, but she relies on them a lot less frequently.  Jimi and I looked at each other that first night and said "our world is about to change".  As if that's something new.  The last year has been one change after another, and I think we may as well just get used to that. 

She still nurses to sleep every night.  I don't know how to get her to sleep without a boob or a swing or a combination of both.  I imagine this has potential to become a problem, since she's outgrowing her swing and won't nurse forever, but for now it's working for us so I try not to think too much about other moms who are able to put their child in bed awake and walk away without a complete "i can't believe you just abandoned me!" meltdown ensuing.  I'm a little jealous, but not much; we just do what works for us.

Dadadada is her favorite word, and she tells nearly all of her stories using it.  From a low chatter to a high-pitched squeal, she loves to talk about her daddy.  She's almost completely stopped saying mamamama.  I'm trying hard to not have my feelings hurt. 

She'll be a year in less than a month.  The time has flown and I can't believe my teeny tiny little baby is already a walking chattering little girl.  I feel like I missed something, but I'm too busy to spend much time worrying about it.  I try to soak up every moment with her - just tonight, my arms tired from her heft, my nipples tender from her nursing, I was so overjoyed to have her sweet warmth against me, to smell her sweet milk breath, to hear her little mumbles as she drifted off to sleep, still talking about daddy.  Holding her and feeling her solidness - I dreamed about her for so long, sometimes I just want to hold her and feel her and rejoice in the fact that she's here and she's mine and she's SO FUCKING AWESOME.    I probably shouldn't use that word when talking about my sweet daughter, but jeez oh pete, she really is super cool and sometimes you just have to use certain terms to express the depth of your emotion on the subject.  She is awesome.  She's smart and funny and adorable and sweet and good-natured and spirited.  Being her mother is the hardest job I've ever had, but she's an easy baby.  We're so amazingly fortunate. 

It's fun to stay at the YMCA

The Fowler Family joined the local YMCA today.  YAY!  I've only been talking about doing it for 5 years.  I've ordered a fancy-pants pedometer, too.  And I went to the grocery earlier by myself and didn't buy ice cream, though I intended to when I walked in.  This is my year to change my habits, yo.  I'm going to make better choices.

Geneva is sleeping in her swing and that makes me feel like a bad mom.  I think I just heard her make a noise, so i'm going to go get her.  G'night!

It's a good life.

I used to worry constantly about what others think of me - from my earliest memories as a child, through high school, in the workplace, then on the internet.  Then I met Jimi, and he loved me in the purest way a person can love another person who isn't their child - just as I am - and I stopped giving so much weight to the opinions of others when it came to forming my opinion of myself.

Still, from time to time, I find myself wondering what my image is for people who don't know me in real life, anymore or because they've never met me.  I wonder what my ex-husband thinks of my Facebook profile, for instance.  He sent me a friend request the day after I learned I was expecting Geneva - so he's been privy to my life after him only during the period of my life that's been full of the most awesome things.  I sort of love that fact, I can't lie. 


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I lost my train of thought and clicked away to some other internet time-suck.  There was nothing good on.  I remembered my unspoken/unwritten resolution that is somewhat hazy and undefined but was something like blogging more and not leaving a million drafts hanging out there in the nether with two paragraphs and no ending.  So fuck it.  I'll come back and blather on some more until I've posted enough words to count as an entry and post so I can move on to more important things, like making lists and not doing the dishes.


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Here's a picture of me and Geneva, from our photo session a few weeks back: 

Isn't my girl beautiful?  Oh, I love her so much.  It's after midnight; she's 10 months old today.  Time flies.


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I'm sure I had bigger things to say, but I don't have the words available now.  Maybe tomorrow.  Sweet dreams.

New Year, Same Day

We were watching a movie at midnight - we knew it was midnight because we heard the fireworks being set off by our neighbors.  Not our direct neighbors, but those other unnamed, unknown neighbors.  The ones who let off fireworks and shoot guns at midnight on New Year.  Also when the local football/basketball team wins a championship.  Or a game.  This is the South End, after all.

We heard the fireworks and we said Happy New Year and we kissed and we went back to watching our movie.  We'd bought a bottle of wine and a bottle of champagne to celebrate - the champagne was never opened and the wine, well, I had one glass, then poured another and kept the bottle out in anticipation of having a third.  This morning, the second glass was still there and so was the bottle, warm now of course.  I put it back in the refrigerator anyhow.  I'm drinking it now, in fact.  Mixed with some of the champagne.  We never did ding our glasses together. 

I accomplished everything on my list today.  Well, everything but one thing, and I hadn't really planned on doing that today anyhow, so I'll call the whole list complete, and that's a great way to begin a new year.  My list included things like dishes, laundry, vacuuming, but also fun things like taking a walk and pushing Geneva on the swings at the park.  And I'll be honest, I'm at a point in my life where things like dishes and laundry and vacuuming are fun because I can make Jimi keep an eye on the baby while I do them, and also because they get my house cleaner and it feels so good to have a clean house.  At least, I'm pretty sure I remember that it felt that way.

I have 2600 pictures on my phone and can't bring myself to delete them even though they're backed up on the computer.  And Facebook. And Instagram.

2014.  Welcome.