We were getting along swimmingly, and then I think she gave my nipples the thrush. Suddenly my right nipple felt like it was being pierced when she ate - I've cried a lot in the last few days. And then her latch got lazy - she only wants the top half, thank you very much, you can keep that bottom part. Except that's excruciating. So we're relearning our nursing manners. I've cried a lot in the last few days.
It's overwhelming that I'm the only one who can feed her. I feel like I'm with her every second of every day and that I never get a break. I remind myself that a baby is what I wanted, and that this is part of what it means to have a baby. I look into her sweet face and count my blessings again - but I'm so tired. Two of the last three nights have been really rough (have I mentioned how much I've cried?). Thankfully, she seems to know right when I've hit my limit, and she magically goes to sleep - for 3 or 4 hours. So she's working me. I get that now. She's training me. It's rough training, man.
Jimi tries to help, but I understand why he says he feels helpless, useless - there's just not a lot he can do. I think he's sick of fetching me water and snacks, and I feel guilty every time I ask for another favor, but I'm stuck where I am, you know? I try to get him to change as many diapers as possible, not to pass off the task, but so he can get some face time in with his daughter - of course, she hates having her diaper changed, so in his mind she's starting to associate him with horrible things, like a cold hooha. And some nights nothing will console her but a nipple, and his don't fit the bill - and I get jealous as hell watching him over on the couch, able to get up and move around all nimbly pimbly whenever he likes. I squash down my feelings of resentment - it's not his fault he can't feed her.
I wonder how we'll ever get on enough of a schedule for me to go back to work in 4 weeks. I wonder how I'll ever manage to leave her in the care of someone else for 9 hours a day. This mom shit is serious bidness, yo.