22.1 - This week I learn to love spaghetti squash

11 inches long and weighing in at a pound, our baby is the size of a spaghetti squash this week.  I can't believe something so large is inside me - it's mind-blowing to think about.  I like going to the grocery and holding the fruit/vegetable she's being compared to against my belly, and just imagining.  It was awesome when she was the size of a blueberry, and now she's as big as a squash.  Crazy!

The saga of the raccoon has ended.  Jimi killed it dead, and yesterday its remains were removed from my attic and now we're going to live happily ever after without wildlife in our upstairs.  I'm thrilled. 

I think my nesting is kicking in - I cleaned the kitchen for 2 hours on Sunday, and I've kept it spotless since.  I know it doesn't sound like much, but for me, it's quite the accomplishment.  I'm ready to tackle the rest of the house now - I want things neat and organized and de-furred.  My aunts are throwing us a wedding celebration on Saturday - having to get the place ready for that is an excellent motivator and excuse to clean everything. 

Jimi was on the phone a few nights back with his cousin Laura, and when she asked about me and how the pregnancy is going, I listened to my husband explain how well it's gone for me the last few months, and then he said, "She seems so much happier - I may just have to keep her pregnant!"  I laughed.  He's right, though.  I am happier, and thinking on his words, in that moment I realized that the burden I've carried fro the last two years, it's gone.  Just like that, I suddenly felt so much lighter.  That is what this happiness, this unbridled giddiness I've been feeling, that's where it's come from - I'm not terrified anymore.  I don't have the fear of infertility anymore.  I don't feel broken.  I feel strong and like this is what I was meant to do, like I was made for this.  My body was made to make this little girl, and look!  We're doing it!  I tried to explain this to Jimi, and he asked, "Was that weighing on you so heavily, Nat?"  "Oh, God, yes.  It was with me every day, every moment.  It was my burden to bear, and I've just realized it's gone and I'm free again." 

No wonder the sun shines brighter, the grass is greener, the trees more vibrant shades of yellow red and orange.  This little girl is changing my world view already, shifting my reality.  I love her so much, and I'm so grateful to get to be her mom. 

21.6 - Carrot top

Driving to the hardware store last night to pick up a part to repair our dripping kitchen faucet, I felt several little *bump bump bump*s in my lower abdomen.  I put my fingers there and tapped back - bump bump bump - and then rested my hand over the spot.  Seconds later *bump bump bump* came the reply.  I giggled, and did it again.  She did too.  Five or six times we went back and forth that way, me and my daughter, playing together, saying hello.  I'm teary-eyed just typing this - I want to remember that moment forever, it was one of the neatest things I've ever experienced.

I've been feeling her flutters for weeks, and maybe a dozen times I've felt her kicks from the outside, with my hand on my belly.  Jimi's gotten maybe one bump, but there will be plenty to come, I'm certain. 

We spent our evening last night, after the sink was repaired, checking out our options for free "A BABY IS COMING!" classes.  And researching Hypnobabies - (anyone have a home-study course they want to lend to or sell me?) - and prenatal yoga classes.  I practiced the positions taught in my Active Birth book - and slept well last night and woke this morning without hip pain.  Coincidence?  I hope not. 

Things are getting real up in here.  I have a baby belly that can't be denied, and I love it tremendously.  I've gained 10 pounds and that puts me right on track where I should be.  I feel great.  I'm happier than I've ever been.  Life is Beautiful. 

19.3 - My little (big) Heirloom Tomato

(I started writing this days ago, and never finished it.  Dear Baby, I'm sorry I suck at blogging about you and this pregnancy.  I'll work on it.  I hope.) 

When I first started falling off the blogging bandwagon a while back, I blamed my normal, run-of-the-mill, every-day-is-the-same-as-the-one-before life - you know, lack of blogging fodder.  I figured if I ever got pregnant, I'd be blogging like crazy, back to posting an entry every day, or twice a day. 

Here I am, pregnant, newly married, planning a wedding reception, and with crazy changes happening in my world every day, and I still can't seem to bang out more than one post a week - and I'm doing good to blog that often.  Obviously, I'm just lazy.  (The lack of a fully-functioning computer at home doesn't help, either.)

We had our big baby-doctor appointment this past Tuesday - the much-anticipated anatomy scan ultrasound.  Leading up to the appointment, I was becoming a nervous wreck - what if there's something wrong?  Will all the pieces and parts be there and functioning properly?  The tech put the wand on my belly and exclaimed "Oh Goody!  I didn't miss anyone - there's still only one in there!"  And there was my baby, in profile.  The little nose, mouth, forehead.  The tech moved the wand around some more and we saw little arms, little legs, little feet.  We watched our child yawn, and it was the sweetest, most endearing, most adorable yawn in the history of yawns everywhere. 

The tech took measurements and explained to us what we were seeing - kidneys, stomach, umbilical cord, cervix, brain.  We listened to the heartbeat and watched the four chambers pump.  Our baby is healthy.  *insert huge sigh of relief here*

"Are we finding out the sex of this little one," Tech asks.  "Yes, please, if we can," Mom & Dad answer.  (OMG - Mom & Dad!   That's us!)  She had me turn on my side and pushed around on my belly, moving the baby so the legs would be in the correct position.  I rolled back over on my back, she put the wand to my stomach, and there on the screen was the money shot - I gasped in shock -

"We have a girl," I said.  The awe and surprise was audible in my voice.  "Yes, you do - a little girl," the tech confirmed.  She showed Jimi what we were looking at - the lack of a penis - and took some more pictures.  I kept saying, "I just can't believe it.  I KNEW we were having a boy!  All my dreams have been about little boys."

Now we have to save for college and a wedding.  And a prom dress.  And I have to learn how to fix a little girl's hair, and teach her how to shave her legs.  And some boy is going to break her heart one day and make her cry - how will I not kill him?

Oh, but little girl clothes are so much cuter.  And she and Addy Rose will be just the very best friends - Natalie & Stacy, v2.0!

And Jimi - oh, Jimi will be the best daddy.  Our daughter is so lucky to have him as her father.  Can you imagine?! 

*********************

Hi.  It's me again.  This is the new stuff, not the stuff I wrote days ago.  The post should read "20 - Banana Baby".  Maybe I'll use that later this week.  If I don't continue to suck at documenting this miracle.  That's right - twenty weeks.  Today, we're at what's considered the half-way mark.  Holy shitballs, I can't believe we've made it here.  I mean, I can - this has been the easiest thing in the world; a breeze, really.  I'm just overwhelmed at the awesomeness of it all, and I feel so fortunate and lucky and blessed and smiled-upon.  I must've been a very good person in a past life.  I'm so thankful for my husband.  I'm so thankful for our little family.  I'm so thankful for my health, and for the health of our daughter.   I'm thankful for our employment, for our home, for our fun dog and fat cat.  Life is so beautiful.

Happily Ever After...

I have a new last name.  I'm still getting used to it - Jimi asked me if I'd been practicing my new signature, and surprisingly, no, I haven't.  I was just as shocked as you are.  Sure, I've scrawled my new name on a notebook cover or two in the last few years, but leading up to the actual gettin'-married day, I didn't.  Not even once.  I haven't had a chance to sign it yet, or been called "Mrs. Fowler" by anyone other than teasing family/friends.  It'll hit me eventually. 

I've been waiting for days now to feel different, to feel some shift in this dynamic between myself and my new husband.  (I do love using that word.)  It's all the same.  Everything feels just as it did this time last week.  I guess that's how it goes when you "date" your intended for nearly 6 years.  We've spent years building this love, this safe place for our hearts - of course a legal document won't change that.   

I love watching Jimi play with his wedding band.  I catch him twisting it on his finger, or just looking at it and smiling.  He's never worn a ring - I'm glad that mine is the one that finally found a home on his hand. 

Vacation/Honeymoon was fantabulous and wonderful and peaceful and centering and gave us a chance to focus on each other without the distractions of the rest of the world.  (I get lost in the internet, he gets lost in the television - it was nice to spend a week mostly without those time-suckers.)

I've got every intention of writing a more-detailed post about our trip...for now I just wanted to record my happy.  I love that man with every fiber of my being, and becoming his wife has made me the happiest girl in the whole wide world.  How fucking lucky am I?!

16.1 - Avocado dreams

Oh my goodness, I swear I didn't fall off the face of the Earth.  My computer may as well have, though - it came down with the blue screen of death and I just haven't made it a priority yet to figure out if it can be saved, so it's living in the closet and my brain is too fast for the bullshit "keyboard" on the Kindle.  Sorry. 

Everything's awesome.  Baby is now 4.5 inches long (or about the size of an avocado).  There's other stuff, too, but I don't remember right now.  (I'm at work.  Trying to take a lunch, but failing miserably because apparently when I say "I don't want to take any phone calls for the next 15 minutes" it sends a signal to my drivers to begin calling me back to back. GRR!)  But yeah, baby's good.  I haven't felt anything that is obviously movement, but I've felt things that were probably baby movement, like a gas bubble that never led to a fart. 

Jimi and I have our wedding bands ordered - they're being custom made and should be here in a week.  (we ordered them a week ago.)  Momma and I went shopping this past weekend and I found a dress that doesn't make me feel fat - which is quite the accomplishment, as I look today very much like I did before I started on my boot camp kick.  I'm not obviously pregnant, I look like I've had a bit too much cake.  Which I probably have.  Oh well, there will be more boot camp after the baby comes. For now, I like eating. 

I've paid money for two birth-prep books, made out of real paper and everything.  (As opposed to the electronic sort that I can borrow for free on my Kindle.)  This is a sign, folks - a sign that this thing is really going to happen.  I'm so excited!

I've had it in my head that if I could just get to 16 weeks, it would all really be real.  It's really real.  It's happening.  Whoa.  I'm just as mind-blown as the day that stick first showed two lines. 

I have so much more to say, but no more time for now.  Soon, promise.