It's overcast outside, hot and humid and the air feels pregnant with rain but it's only managing to do something that can't really even be called a sprinkle, and even that is only coming once every couple hours for 15 minutes at a time. I took a walk at lunch anyhow, a brisk 20 minute walk on a winding path in a private park not too far from the office. It was hot and I probably need more deodorant, but whatever. It felt good to move.
I'm in another one of those funks I get into - the one where I don't want to interact with anyone, where I don't want to do anything but sit and scroll through mindless crap on the internet, where I can't get enough carbs into my diet each day. The internet is a dangerous place for my stress these days, though - every new click reveals some new vile thing happening in the world. It's safe at home - at home, in my kitchen and living room and bedroom, I'm safe and the bad stuff is not around. And a few weeks of avoiding the gym and eating like crap, it makes me feel bad and my clothes don't fit and then I fall into this spiral of self-loathing…
Anyone else? I'm not the only one, right?
Baby steps, that's what "they" say - baby steps to making better choices. I'm not a baby steps kind of girl. I'm more of a "one big giant leap", "change all of the things all at the same time" sort of girl. And then, when I fall down on the tiniest part of that, I quit it all and go back to into my misery spiral. This morning, I decided to start tracking my food again. I'll drink plenty of water, eat good things, won't overeat, hell, I may even go to the gym tonight…And then I bought some candy bars. And ate two of them. Because, Yum! Carbs! So the last thing I logged was a Butterfinger bar. But hey! I logged it! That's a real improvement for me. Normally, I only log for the first half of the day, until I make a bad decision, and then I quit logging and decide I'll start again tomorrow.
Geneva and Cora - those little girls. Geneva told me this morning she wants pizza rolls for dinner; pizza rolls and salad and grapes. I didn't even know she'd ever had pizza rolls - apparently that's a thing they eat at daycare for lunch. I sure wish I could afford to send my kid to the daycare that serves them actual real food, but that school was more than my mortgage each month for one kid. I'd be better off quitting my job and fixing their food myself, except then I couldn't afford to buy real food for them either. Damned if we do, damned if we don’t. I'm super against not-real food; we're having pizza rolls and salad for dinner. It's not fake pizza, it's "different" pizza. Square pizza. That's what Geneva said.
I've had a hard time writing because I haven't known what to write about. I started thinking no one would want to read random snippets of my life, and so what's the point of writing if I don't have some profound essay or pronouncement to share? I forgot why I started this boring blog in the first place - because I like boring blogs. I don't read many anymore, but I still love coming across one of those rare sites where people share the mundane day to day details of their lives; the intimate portraits they paint of the lives they lead. And really, as much as I love the dream of someday writing an amazing best seller, a more realistic goal is to just write. I should write for myself, so I can look back and see how far I've come. I should write for Jimi, should he ever wonder how I really feel about him. And I should write for those girls, so they know how much their mommy loves them and what our day to day was like when they were itty bitty. I feel so much guilt already over the parts I've missed and forgotten by not writing them down as they happened, but I am forgiving toward myself because I know these last few early years have been a whirlwind and I've done what I could. Besides, who has time for regrets? Life is so short. Too short for that.
So yeah, tonight we're having pizza rolls for dinner. I bought more construction paper yesterday, so maybe we can spend some time coloring and cutting and gluing tonight - that's always a fun activity. And we still have lots of water balloons we can play with, so long as we bathe in the Skin So Soft first so the skeeters won't eat up poor little Cora. I'll try to keep them from watching too much TV and will probably fail miserably by 7 p.m., although if we make it to 7 p.m. without turning on the TV I will consider it a well-fought battle. I wish we could ride bikes but the heat is so stifling it sucks all the fun out of playing outside. I'm sure they both need a bath.
I love our boring little lives.