A rainy Derby Saturday.

It's almost 7:30, and we've been up just over an hour.  Well, Cora and I.  G got up about a half hour ago, Jimi's still snoozin'.  I love easy mornings like this - breakfast, TV, smiles and giggles and only a few meltdowns.  4 year olds cry a lot more than I would've imagined; there's a lot more whining than I'd considered.  We're working on it.  Our house is generally noisy and chaotic.  I don't realize that until we mingle with others, in their homes or for extended periods of time.  The shell-shocked look that they get, our friends who don't usually spend time in the company of 2.5 and 4 year olds, it's amusing and alarming.  I always apologize for our crazy, but I'm not really sorry.  I mean, I feel bad that we're SO MUCH and I know it can be overwhelming for people not used to it, but we are what we are, and what do you expect from a 2.5 and 4 year old?  I try to keep our visits brief with everyone except the grandparents.  Only at my mom & dad's house do I feel like I can take a break for a minute from my constant hovering and worrying, like I can take off my mom hat for just a few minutes and relax and not have to worry that one of my kids is going to break something or fall down the stairs; the girls are so enamored with Granny and Papaw, they don't bother to get into any trouble.  They just soak up the love and attention from grownups who never make them do things they don't want to do. 

I'm away from home 3 nights next week.  I've already got that anxious pit in my stomach; I already miss my family.  I'm also excited about 3 nights sleeping alone with no one waking me up at 2 a.m. insisting I change beds, hours to read the new book I picked up last weekend and haven't cracked open yet.  Why is everything in life so complicated, with so many conflicting emotions?  Why am I so emotional that even a quick business trip requires psychological gymnastics?  I love my people and I want to be with them...and I'm still sort of convinced that as long as I'm here with them, they're safe from whatever dangers are lurking out there, and that if I'm not around, they're vulnerable.  I'm only a little crazy, I swear. 

I've tried so hard to stop reading the news, but I can't and I guess I shouldn't.  It's so heartbreaking and scary.  How has our nation become so hateful?  What are we going to do?