Tuesday, December 31, 2013

A new year

It's New Year's Eve - the last day of 2013.  2012 was a hell of year, but 2013 blew it out of the water, as expected.  Geneva changed everything.  Geneva makes the sun shine every day, even if it's cloudy outside.  She is a miracle, and watching her grow over these last 9 months 3 weeks has been the most amazing experience of my life.  I pray that 2014 will bring as much joy and happiness.  I know life changes in a moment, but I try so hard to stay positive and look forward to the good and to expect the best...as with the chess set story, that can sometimes result in terrible disappointment and heartache.  Living life with fear and dread and full of caution can be just as tiresome and sad, though. 

I hope 2014 finds Geneva continuing to blossom and grow and become the amazing little girl she is.  She's not quite walking yet, but she took two steps on Christmas day.  Her Granny and Papaw gave her one of those wheeled-walking things that they stand behind and push, and she's taken off running with it, so I expect her to abandon it for complete freedom and mobility any day now.  She loves bathtime.  She eats everything you put in front of her (her favorites are bananas, Cheerios, and sweet potatoes).  At her checkup two weeks ago, she weighed in at 19 lbs 11.5 ounces, measured at 28.5 inches long, and is perfect in every way.  We're so incredibly fortunate. 

I hope 2014 finds Jimi and I still growing as parents and as a couple.  This is all such new territory for us, there have been more challenges, short tempers, misdirected frustration between us this year than any other in our 7 year history.  But we've also been more compassionate, more passionate, more considerate, and developed better teamwork than any other year out of our 7 together.  We'll face these challenges head-on, together, and we'll overcome them.  I mean, it's just life, right?  How hard can it be.  :|

I desperately long for a way to quit my job and stay home to be Geneva's Mom full time, but I keep coming up short when it comes to actual ways to make that financially possible.  I'll head into 2014 hoping for a miracle that makes that dream a reality.  A close runner-up would be for Jimi and I to get really fucking brave and for him to dive in and walk away from his position - at least one of us would be home raising our daughter, giving her the baseline knowledge we deem important.  Fucking money, man.  Why does it have to be so important?  And then I realize that if one of us were to quit, we'd still be living well above the poverty line, so why am I bitching and not taking action and finding a way to stay home with my daughter?  Or would that be detrimental to her in the long run, for us to walk away from this comfortable life we have, where we can afford to provide her with just about any little extra thing a little girl can use to help her grow up happy, healthy, and strong? 

When I start typing that out, it seems so selfish, so easy to continue the status quo.  Why am I not willing to simply walk away from my job with the attitude of "we'll make it work, somehow", when I know that we would find a way, and my heart longs so fiercely to spend my days hugging Geneva, and singing her songs, and reading her books, and taking her on adventures to see the world around us?

She's awake. 

Happy New Year.  I hope 2014 is your best yet. 

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