The aches and pains are getting serious. My hips and legs hurt just about all the time. I'm up every hour or so in the middle of the night, both to pee and to flip over because of the aforementioned sore hips. Sitting too long is painful. My ankles are swollen to twice their normal size by the end of the day. I haven't been able to wear my wedding band for weeks, and my garnet, which used to be so loose it would sometimes fall off my finger, is now tight and leaves a mark when I wear it. My belly is huge, and my maternity yoga pants are my best friends. Water gives me heartburn.
With all that said, I'm still not to the point of wishing to speed up her imminent arrival. She's got at least 4 more weeks to cook - she's welcome to take all the time she needs. (And my feelings on that are only slightly influenced by the fact that i'm not nearly prepared at work to be out for 8 weeks.) I've enjoyed this pregnancy very much, and as much as I'm looking forward to meeting this little girl I've been growing for the last 9 months, I like knowing she's safe and warm inside me. (And it's freezing outside!)
We're getting our ducks in a row. I'm not panicked about home stuff nearly as much as I was - it's all coming together. It'll all work out, it'll all be fine.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
34.6 - Holy smokes, this is really happening.
Her arrival is just around the corner and there are a million things I want to record for posterity but when I sit down to do it I suddenly can't remember anything I wanted to say, or can't find an interesting way to say the things I can remember.
Maggie threw a baby shower for us this past Saturday, and it was the best baby shower I've ever been to. Not that I've been to a lot of showers, but seriously, this one was fantastic. No games (I always kind of hate the games at baby showers, especially that melted chocolate bar in the diaper game - EWW!), just a few hours hanging out with some amazing women, laughing our asses off and oohing and ahhing over little baby things and exclaiming over the size of my big ol' belly. She and Tammy and Melinda came up with an amazing spread of food - little turkey and ham and cheese sandwiches on puff pastry, tarts made from wonton wrappers and pudding (?) and blueberries and raspberries, delicious homemade mints, cake pops (!!!), jalapeno poppers wrapped in bacon, chips & dip - I'm sure I'm forgetting something. Maggie took care of my one request - ice cream punch made from orange sherbet and ginger ale, my absolute favorite drink ever. I think I had 3 huge glasses - I'm surprised I didn't go into sugar shock, especially after the cake pops were thrown in on top. For activities, Maggie had attendees write messages on white fabric squares with fabric markers - she's going to sew them to some beautifully patterned fabrics she cut to size and turn them into the most amazing personalized burp cloths...I get teary-eyed just thinking of how special those are. She also took blank note cards and printed at the top "To the baby..." and "To Nat & Jimi..." and had guests write little notes, which then went into a small photo book. I cried my eyes out when I read the messages from our friends; I felt so loved, and it makes my heart so full of happy to know how much love our Village already has for our daughter. Melinda was the official shower photographer, and the pictures she took are a fantastic representation of the day - I'll steal them from Facebook soon enough and share them here. I had no idea my belly is so big, or that I make so many funny faces throughout the course of an afternoon. :) The day was so full of love, it was overwhelming. The generosity and thoughtfulness of our friends blows me away. I don't know how I'll ever thank Maggie and Tammy and Melinda for all the work they put into that party; it was more perfect than I could've possibly imagined.
Once I got home that afternoon, I was completely wiped out, but of course, with a house full of baby gifts, the nesting has kicked in full force. Despite my exhaustion, I vacuumed and cleaned the carpet in baby girl's bedroom - I needed to start moving things in there, and I couldn't do that until the floor was clear and clean. Then I moved everything I could onto her bookcase, just to have something baby in the room, rather than a big empty space. It's Tuesday now, and we came home to find the crib and mattress waiting for us on the front porch, so the bed is assembled and in place now. Things are coming together. The dresser needs one more coat of paint and some contact paper to line the drawers and it'll be ready to move into place, and then I can start washing and putting away little baby clothes. I'm not so overwhelmed by my list today. Things are getting marked off.
I had my next-to-last 2 week appointment with my midwife yesterday; I went in with a million questions, and she was able to give me good answers for nearly all of them. I've nearly finished my birth plan, but I'm still not sure where I stand on the vitamin K shot they'll want to give her immediately after birth. I've decided I'm cool with the antibiotic eye goop, even though I don't have any yuckies that would make it necessary. We'll pass on the Hep B vaccine for now - I think we can keep her away from the stripper poles and dirty drug needles for a few more years yet. I'm going to call our family doctor and seek his opinion on the vitamin K injection and take it from there. I've got a little time before I have to decide.
I've ordered a breast pump through a medical supplier that my insurance covers, and I've got my fingers crossed that it arrives before I have to go out and spend $300 of my money on one. Apparently, with the Affordable Care Act making it mandatory for insurance companies to cover pumps, medical supply companies have been overwhelmed by the demand and ran out. The most popular brands aren't available now for the foreseeable future - maybe until April or later - and the shipment of "off-brands" has been delayed by weeks. It's a little stressful, but I'm trying to assure myself that with having 5 weeks before my due date, and then maybe another 2 or 3 weeks before I'd need to start pumping, surely I'll have a pump before my need becomes critical. Right? Surely.
I washed all the cloth diapers given to us by Lori, and the site of them hanging up to dry made my heart full of happy. I reminded myself tonight that I need to remember how excited I am right now about those diapers, and try to maintain that attitude, even when they've recently been full of shit. I need to try to remember my excitement about all of this - I wanted this little girl so very desperately for so very long, I sincerely hope I'm able to keep focus on the miracle of her, rather than becoming frustrated or overwhelmed by all the work it's going to take to raise her properly. She is my greatest gift, my most precious parcel - I want my huge joy for her to always outshine any small day to day details.
I have crib sheets in the dryer - I'm going to go get them and make my daughter's bed for the first time. I'm going to remember my excitement at this moment, because the next time I change them it'll be because she's pooped or peed or puked on them, and I'm sure my giddiness will be much smaller then.
Maggie threw a baby shower for us this past Saturday, and it was the best baby shower I've ever been to. Not that I've been to a lot of showers, but seriously, this one was fantastic. No games (I always kind of hate the games at baby showers, especially that melted chocolate bar in the diaper game - EWW!), just a few hours hanging out with some amazing women, laughing our asses off and oohing and ahhing over little baby things and exclaiming over the size of my big ol' belly. She and Tammy and Melinda came up with an amazing spread of food - little turkey and ham and cheese sandwiches on puff pastry, tarts made from wonton wrappers and pudding (?) and blueberries and raspberries, delicious homemade mints, cake pops (!!!), jalapeno poppers wrapped in bacon, chips & dip - I'm sure I'm forgetting something. Maggie took care of my one request - ice cream punch made from orange sherbet and ginger ale, my absolute favorite drink ever. I think I had 3 huge glasses - I'm surprised I didn't go into sugar shock, especially after the cake pops were thrown in on top. For activities, Maggie had attendees write messages on white fabric squares with fabric markers - she's going to sew them to some beautifully patterned fabrics she cut to size and turn them into the most amazing personalized burp cloths...I get teary-eyed just thinking of how special those are. She also took blank note cards and printed at the top "To the baby..." and "To Nat & Jimi..." and had guests write little notes, which then went into a small photo book. I cried my eyes out when I read the messages from our friends; I felt so loved, and it makes my heart so full of happy to know how much love our Village already has for our daughter. Melinda was the official shower photographer, and the pictures she took are a fantastic representation of the day - I'll steal them from Facebook soon enough and share them here. I had no idea my belly is so big, or that I make so many funny faces throughout the course of an afternoon. :) The day was so full of love, it was overwhelming. The generosity and thoughtfulness of our friends blows me away. I don't know how I'll ever thank Maggie and Tammy and Melinda for all the work they put into that party; it was more perfect than I could've possibly imagined.
Once I got home that afternoon, I was completely wiped out, but of course, with a house full of baby gifts, the nesting has kicked in full force. Despite my exhaustion, I vacuumed and cleaned the carpet in baby girl's bedroom - I needed to start moving things in there, and I couldn't do that until the floor was clear and clean. Then I moved everything I could onto her bookcase, just to have something baby in the room, rather than a big empty space. It's Tuesday now, and we came home to find the crib and mattress waiting for us on the front porch, so the bed is assembled and in place now. Things are coming together. The dresser needs one more coat of paint and some contact paper to line the drawers and it'll be ready to move into place, and then I can start washing and putting away little baby clothes. I'm not so overwhelmed by my list today. Things are getting marked off.
I had my next-to-last 2 week appointment with my midwife yesterday; I went in with a million questions, and she was able to give me good answers for nearly all of them. I've nearly finished my birth plan, but I'm still not sure where I stand on the vitamin K shot they'll want to give her immediately after birth. I've decided I'm cool with the antibiotic eye goop, even though I don't have any yuckies that would make it necessary. We'll pass on the Hep B vaccine for now - I think we can keep her away from the stripper poles and dirty drug needles for a few more years yet. I'm going to call our family doctor and seek his opinion on the vitamin K injection and take it from there. I've got a little time before I have to decide.
I've ordered a breast pump through a medical supplier that my insurance covers, and I've got my fingers crossed that it arrives before I have to go out and spend $300 of my money on one. Apparently, with the Affordable Care Act making it mandatory for insurance companies to cover pumps, medical supply companies have been overwhelmed by the demand and ran out. The most popular brands aren't available now for the foreseeable future - maybe until April or later - and the shipment of "off-brands" has been delayed by weeks. It's a little stressful, but I'm trying to assure myself that with having 5 weeks before my due date, and then maybe another 2 or 3 weeks before I'd need to start pumping, surely I'll have a pump before my need becomes critical. Right? Surely.
I washed all the cloth diapers given to us by Lori, and the site of them hanging up to dry made my heart full of happy. I reminded myself tonight that I need to remember how excited I am right now about those diapers, and try to maintain that attitude, even when they've recently been full of shit. I need to try to remember my excitement about all of this - I wanted this little girl so very desperately for so very long, I sincerely hope I'm able to keep focus on the miracle of her, rather than becoming frustrated or overwhelmed by all the work it's going to take to raise her properly. She is my greatest gift, my most precious parcel - I want my huge joy for her to always outshine any small day to day details.
I have crib sheets in the dryer - I'm going to go get them and make my daughter's bed for the first time. I'm going to remember my excitement at this moment, because the next time I change them it'll be because she's pooped or peed or puked on them, and I'm sure my giddiness will be much smaller then.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
33.4 - Creation of Baby's First Piece of Art
Today was awesome. I just want to go ahead and put that out there first. AWESOME. Melinda took me to the zoo, to meet an elephant named Micki. Micki painted a picture for my daughter's bedroom. An elephant painted a picture for my daughter. See what I meant when I said today was awesome?!
Melinda supplied the canvas, and I got to choose the colors. They told me it was best to only pick a few colors, because otherwise it could end up as one big blob of indistinguishable paint on the canvas. I chose purple, green, pink, and orange - all colors that are prominent in the curtains that will hang in baby girl's room.
Then it was time to meet Micki. She's so pretty, and so huge.
Mark is a good friend of Melinda and her husband; he's the trainer who works with the elephants on a regular, and the inside connection that made today possible. He was also the master of the brushes and paints, and wiped off Micki's nose between brushstrokes.
I stood off to the side and took pictures and grinned from ear to ear.
Micki is so beautiful.
I tried not to cry, but my eyes were full the entire time.
Micki loves sweets. To get her to do the "trick" (paint), they bribe her with jelly beans.
I brought her some marshmallows, too. Apparently, they're one of her favorites.
She likes to suck on them until they dissolve.
Time to flip the canvas for the next color applications.
I was just so in awe.
I was trying to soak in every awesome minute of this experience. I want to remember it forever.
As a safety precaution, Micki has to keep her trunk up between brushstrokes. She was so sweet, but she's ginormous and it's probably a good idea to keep in mind the fact that she's a million times bigger than any of the rest of us. As much as I would've liked to just love on her, it was probably a good idea to keep her in line and on her best behavior.
Almost finished, just needs the artist's signature...
That's her trunk print on the bottom left, in orange.
Me, Melinda, and Micki. (And baby girl, of course.)
They let me pet her.
I thanked her for painting a picture for my baby girl.
It was a wonderful, awesome, AMAZING experience.
I can't wait to hang that painting in the nursery.
I don't know how I'll ever thank Melinda enough for making this happen.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
33.1 - My little pineapple
- Touch up paint in nursery
- Paint trim in nursery
- finish sanding dresser/changing table
- Paint dresser/changing table
- Paint drawer pulls for dresser/changing table
- Install ceiling light in nursery
- Clean carpet in nursery
- Order crib and crib mattress; assemble crib
- Make and hang curtains in nursery
- Make crib skirt
- Wash diapers and newborn clothes
- Complete birth plan
- Order breast pump
- Attend breastfeeding class
- Tour hospital
- Pack hospital bag
- Buy postpartum supplies (pads, etc.)
- Stock up on daily necessities (soap/TP/etc.)
- Make freezer meals
Oh my goodness, there is so much to do. SO MUCH.
- Paint trim in nursery
- finish sanding dresser/changing table
- Paint dresser/changing table
- Paint drawer pulls for dresser/changing table
- Install ceiling light in nursery
- Clean carpet in nursery
- Order crib and crib mattress; assemble crib
- Make and hang curtains in nursery
- Make crib skirt
- Wash diapers and newborn clothes
- Complete birth plan
- Order breast pump
- Attend breastfeeding class
- Tour hospital
- Pack hospital bag
- Buy postpartum supplies (pads, etc.)
- Stock up on daily necessities (soap/TP/etc.)
- Make freezer meals
********************
I'm starting to freak the fuck out. Less than seven weeks to go and that list is just the stuff I can remember at this moment that we need to do. I nearly had a panic attack last night, lying in bed making that list in my head.
Oh my goodness, there is so much to do. SO MUCH.
Jimi reminds me that all she needs is a clean butt, a warm bed, and a full belly. The rest is just details. Of course, he's right. But oh goodness, I want everything to be perfect and just right for her when she arrives. I want to bring her into a home that's perfectly prepared and ready for her. I want to feel calm and collected when I go to the hospital, not panicked and stressed.
And then I worry, what if no one gets us anything from our registries? What if we end up with none of the stuff we need for her, and we have to buy it all ourselves? How will we afford all of it? This is the problem with waiting until 6 weeks before your due date to have a baby shower, I suppose. And then I feel like an entitled asshole for feeling like other people should buy us anything at all - of course no one has to buy us anything and it's shitty of me to expect them to. But I think in the back of my mind I've just assumed that the people who know what babies need would hook us up, and that our sad lack of knowledge would be covered up by their generosity, because I'll be honest, I don't have a clue what babies need. I've never done this before. It's all new to me, and more than a little terrifying. Who decided to let me be a mom? I have no idea what I'm doing.
We'll figure it all out, of course. And Jimi's doing a good job talking me off my ledge, believe it or not. I'm much calmer now than I was last night or this morning. This is just the residual.
***************************
Work has exploded in a bit of crazy, too, and that's not helping my stress. Our administrative assistant is leaving in two weeks. Did I mention my baby is due in seven weeks? That means I've got next to no time to hire and train a replacement, in addition to training our salesman to take my place while I'm out. Oh boy!
**************************
And our shower has been draining slow for the last few weeks, so I finally browbeat Jimi into fixing it tonight. Now it doesn't drain at all. It's 10:30 at night, and it needs to be taken apart completely so he can find the clog and get things moving. Fuck.
****************************
But baby girl is doing well. She measures perfectly, her heart rate is in the 150s, her head is still down, and she moves all the time. She's over 4 pounds now and 17 inches long. I love her more every day, and despite the crazy surrounding her impending arrival, I'm so looking forward to meeting her.
Monday, December 31, 2012
2012, A Year In Review
What a year it's been. Wow. My Notie Kari said this would be my year - I hoped she was right, but I doubted her. Sometimes it seemed like too much to hope for, the idea that all my hopes and wishes would come to fruition. But she was right. 2012 was my year. My best so far.
It started off with me in a funk. I was sad and depressed - there'd been no proposal from Jimi at Christmas, and I wasn't pregnant. I didn't see either scenario changing any time in the near future, and I sank into a quagmire of feeling sorry for myself. My body was broken and my sweetheart wasn't in any hurry to make me his wife. Woe was me.
Winter wasn't all bad, though. Stacy had a baby in January, and watching her grow has been amazing. We babysat her when she was just over six months old and starting to move around, and in a true dumbass moment, we left her alone on our bed - and she rolled off of it onto the floor. *facepalm* She survived without damage, though. Thank goodness. A few weeks ago, I got to be the first to hold her one Saturday morning, and she wrapped her little arms around my neck and hugged me so tight - my heart melted all over the floor. If it felt that amazing to get that love from my niece, I can't imagine how it'll feel to get the same from my own child.
In February, I spent a weekend in Nashville with Kim, Tracey, and Angela. It was the first time I've done a girls' weekend, and it was a total blast.
I don't know exactly when my mood started to lift, but when I look back on the year, it feels like the sun came up at my birthday. Jimi knocked it out of the park - a great gift (Kindle Fire) that was completely unexpected, and a surprise overnight trip to Indianapolis to stay at a swanky adults-only hotel specifically designed with lovin' in mind. (Sybaris - if there's one near you, GO! I can't encourage it enough. It's amazing.) It was only one night, but it's amazing what one full night of concentrating on nothing but your partner can do for a relationship - it felt like we reconnected. I think my mind reset itself, and remembered to focus on the awesome that we have together every day, rather than the idea of how I'd come to believe it had to be in order for complete happiness to exist. I felt the stress fall away, the pressure fade, and I fell in love all over.
During the winter and spring, I attended boot camp classes, the last round with Melinda, and as I saw my body changing, I started to gain some self-confidence. If I couldn't get pregnant, I could at least get a rockin' hot body. I was becoming comfortable in my own skin, moreso than I'd ever been in my life, and I felt good. I felt strong.
In May, we went to the Kentucky Derby with my Daddy, and I cashed my first-ever winning ticket. I was saddened by the state of my Daddy's health - I hadn't realized before then how hard it is for him to breathe well - but we had a good day and I enjoyed it very much.
At the beginning of June, we went on our first (of two) canoe outing of the year - a six-mile float down the Elkhorn River. I'd sworn the previous year I'd never canoe the Elkhorn again, and I should've followed my first impression - the water level was terribly low and we probably carried our boat 3 miles out of the six. It was a long, exhausting day, but I was strong from boot camp and felt like a badass hauling that boat around the rocky dry river.
Days after our canoe trip, I got the shock of a lifetime. The night before I expected my usually-regular period to arrive, I put my hand on my lower belly and thought about how much I would love to find out I was pregnant, and I felt something. It wasn't a physical movement or anything, but more like a mini-explosion inside the spot where my hand lay. I don't know how to describe it. If you could imagine the way it'd feel to be touched with a magic wand, maybe that's what it'd be like. I fell asleep thinking maybe this month would be it, but I didn't dare allow myself to get hopeful. When I woke the next morning, Jimi was in the shower downstairs. I couldn't resist - I took one of the pregnancy tests I kept on hand out of the bathroom closet and went to the upstairs bathroom to do my monthly pee-on-a-stick routine, not expecting results to be any different than they'd been each month for the previous year. When that second faint line showed up, I couldn't believe it. No Fucking Way! I kept staring at it, waiting for my vision to clear and my eyes to right themselves and show me that my wishful thinking was causing me to imagine things, but that second line stayed. My stomach turning and heart racing, I made my way to the downstairs bathroom, where Jimi was still in the shower. "Baby?" I said as I opened the shower curtain and held out the stick, "I think maybe I'm pregnant." He wiped the water out of his eyes to look at what I was showing him. I think we were both afraid to get too excited - we'd been through this before and it had ended in heartbreak. But this was different. This time wasn't that time. I'm sitting here typing this with aching wrists and numb fingers caused by pregnancy-induced Carpal Tunnel, occasionally patting or rubbing my swollen belly where I'm growing our baby girl, and I'm reminded just how very different things are this time.
The next few months passed in blur - I spent longer than I should have terrified of miscarriage, so I stopped working out (I didn't want to take any chances, and sitting on my ass seemed like the best way to not shake her lose from my womb) and tried my best to make the right choices for the child I was desperately hoping to carry to term. I thought of our baby as a conditional maybe, not a sure thing. That mind set started to shift once we saw her heartbeat on ultrasound at 9 weeks, July 19, 2012. She already had arms and legs, and Jimi swears she did the cabbage patch while on camera. At 18 weeks, in the middle of September, we saw her profile, her heart and brain, and learned, to my surprise, that she's a girl. Getting a clean bill of health that day, and learning that all of her pieces and parts were accounted for and working properly gave me permission to stop thinking of her arrival as a possibility and instead start focusing on the fact that I'm finally going to be a Mom, and I'm still blown away by the fact of it.
My pregnancy has been a dream. I had no morning sickness, and until the last few weeks, I hadn't experienced any negative side effects at all. I had a few weeks early on where I was an emotional wreck at work - I spent some time each day out in our parking lot, crying amongst the trailers - but after that passed, my disposition mellowed and I've been happy and content. Jimi even joked with his sister once that I've been so happy and pleasant since becoming pregnant, maybe he'd just have to keep me knocked up all the time. It's the relief, though, that's made my mood better. I'm not broken. My body works the way it's supposed to - I can get pregnant and make a person! The weight of not knowing that fact was so heavy, it tainted every part of my personality, and altered my normally-cheerful disposition so subtlely, yet so completely, it was like night and day when the weight was finally gone.
Finding out we're expecting was the only the first of two awesome, life-changing events that happened in 2012, though. Knowing we were about to become parents, of course the topic of marriage came up again. One night in August, I asked Jimi about his intentions - "I thought you said you wanted to wait until after the baby?" he replied. "You obviously misheard me, then. I want to get married before this baby comes - I want us to all have the same name. It's very important to me." We set a date, made some quick plans, ordered some custom bands, and in the middle of September headed off to a cabin in the woods of Gatlinburg, TN for a week of rest and relaxation - and got married on our first full day of vacation. We were married by a preacher, in a gazebo in his backyard, at his house in the mountains, with our dog at our side, and raindrops falling at a steady pace all around us. Finn desperately wanted to check out the woods and strained at his lead the entire time; his back end is all you see of him in the few pictures the preacher took with the camera we borrowed from Stacy. Our vows were not traditional, but covered all of the bases, and we were given a copy and told to re-read them to each other each year on our anniversary, so that we don't forget the promises we've made to one another. The rest of our vacation/honeymoon was terribly relaxing and exactly what we needed. We spent lots of time in the hot tub, enjoying the contrast of the warm water and the cold raindrops. We shopped at the outlet malls and spent a full day driving in the mountains, exclaiming over and over again at the breathtaking views. We shared an apple dumpling on the main drag in town, and explored the Ripley's Believe It or Not museum. We visited Alewine Pottery, where Jimi bought me a cookie jar, and stopped in Berea, KY on our way home, where I bought him a thumb piano; these were our wedding gifts to each other.
What more is there? There's plenty more, really. I've forgotten most of it, or it passed in a blur and I didn't take the time to notice it when it happened. 2012 will always be a year I remember with a smile. All my dreams have come true. I'm married to the man I love, and we've made a baby together. After that, there wasn't much left for the year to accomplish.
It started off with me in a funk. I was sad and depressed - there'd been no proposal from Jimi at Christmas, and I wasn't pregnant. I didn't see either scenario changing any time in the near future, and I sank into a quagmire of feeling sorry for myself. My body was broken and my sweetheart wasn't in any hurry to make me his wife. Woe was me.
Winter wasn't all bad, though. Stacy had a baby in January, and watching her grow has been amazing. We babysat her when she was just over six months old and starting to move around, and in a true dumbass moment, we left her alone on our bed - and she rolled off of it onto the floor. *facepalm* She survived without damage, though. Thank goodness. A few weeks ago, I got to be the first to hold her one Saturday morning, and she wrapped her little arms around my neck and hugged me so tight - my heart melted all over the floor. If it felt that amazing to get that love from my niece, I can't imagine how it'll feel to get the same from my own child.
In February, I spent a weekend in Nashville with Kim, Tracey, and Angela. It was the first time I've done a girls' weekend, and it was a total blast.
I don't know exactly when my mood started to lift, but when I look back on the year, it feels like the sun came up at my birthday. Jimi knocked it out of the park - a great gift (Kindle Fire) that was completely unexpected, and a surprise overnight trip to Indianapolis to stay at a swanky adults-only hotel specifically designed with lovin' in mind. (Sybaris - if there's one near you, GO! I can't encourage it enough. It's amazing.) It was only one night, but it's amazing what one full night of concentrating on nothing but your partner can do for a relationship - it felt like we reconnected. I think my mind reset itself, and remembered to focus on the awesome that we have together every day, rather than the idea of how I'd come to believe it had to be in order for complete happiness to exist. I felt the stress fall away, the pressure fade, and I fell in love all over.
During the winter and spring, I attended boot camp classes, the last round with Melinda, and as I saw my body changing, I started to gain some self-confidence. If I couldn't get pregnant, I could at least get a rockin' hot body. I was becoming comfortable in my own skin, moreso than I'd ever been in my life, and I felt good. I felt strong.
In May, we went to the Kentucky Derby with my Daddy, and I cashed my first-ever winning ticket. I was saddened by the state of my Daddy's health - I hadn't realized before then how hard it is for him to breathe well - but we had a good day and I enjoyed it very much.
At the beginning of June, we went on our first (of two) canoe outing of the year - a six-mile float down the Elkhorn River. I'd sworn the previous year I'd never canoe the Elkhorn again, and I should've followed my first impression - the water level was terribly low and we probably carried our boat 3 miles out of the six. It was a long, exhausting day, but I was strong from boot camp and felt like a badass hauling that boat around the rocky dry river.
Days after our canoe trip, I got the shock of a lifetime. The night before I expected my usually-regular period to arrive, I put my hand on my lower belly and thought about how much I would love to find out I was pregnant, and I felt something. It wasn't a physical movement or anything, but more like a mini-explosion inside the spot where my hand lay. I don't know how to describe it. If you could imagine the way it'd feel to be touched with a magic wand, maybe that's what it'd be like. I fell asleep thinking maybe this month would be it, but I didn't dare allow myself to get hopeful. When I woke the next morning, Jimi was in the shower downstairs. I couldn't resist - I took one of the pregnancy tests I kept on hand out of the bathroom closet and went to the upstairs bathroom to do my monthly pee-on-a-stick routine, not expecting results to be any different than they'd been each month for the previous year. When that second faint line showed up, I couldn't believe it. No Fucking Way! I kept staring at it, waiting for my vision to clear and my eyes to right themselves and show me that my wishful thinking was causing me to imagine things, but that second line stayed. My stomach turning and heart racing, I made my way to the downstairs bathroom, where Jimi was still in the shower. "Baby?" I said as I opened the shower curtain and held out the stick, "I think maybe I'm pregnant." He wiped the water out of his eyes to look at what I was showing him. I think we were both afraid to get too excited - we'd been through this before and it had ended in heartbreak. But this was different. This time wasn't that time. I'm sitting here typing this with aching wrists and numb fingers caused by pregnancy-induced Carpal Tunnel, occasionally patting or rubbing my swollen belly where I'm growing our baby girl, and I'm reminded just how very different things are this time.
The next few months passed in blur - I spent longer than I should have terrified of miscarriage, so I stopped working out (I didn't want to take any chances, and sitting on my ass seemed like the best way to not shake her lose from my womb) and tried my best to make the right choices for the child I was desperately hoping to carry to term. I thought of our baby as a conditional maybe, not a sure thing. That mind set started to shift once we saw her heartbeat on ultrasound at 9 weeks, July 19, 2012. She already had arms and legs, and Jimi swears she did the cabbage patch while on camera. At 18 weeks, in the middle of September, we saw her profile, her heart and brain, and learned, to my surprise, that she's a girl. Getting a clean bill of health that day, and learning that all of her pieces and parts were accounted for and working properly gave me permission to stop thinking of her arrival as a possibility and instead start focusing on the fact that I'm finally going to be a Mom, and I'm still blown away by the fact of it.
My pregnancy has been a dream. I had no morning sickness, and until the last few weeks, I hadn't experienced any negative side effects at all. I had a few weeks early on where I was an emotional wreck at work - I spent some time each day out in our parking lot, crying amongst the trailers - but after that passed, my disposition mellowed and I've been happy and content. Jimi even joked with his sister once that I've been so happy and pleasant since becoming pregnant, maybe he'd just have to keep me knocked up all the time. It's the relief, though, that's made my mood better. I'm not broken. My body works the way it's supposed to - I can get pregnant and make a person! The weight of not knowing that fact was so heavy, it tainted every part of my personality, and altered my normally-cheerful disposition so subtlely, yet so completely, it was like night and day when the weight was finally gone.
Finding out we're expecting was the only the first of two awesome, life-changing events that happened in 2012, though. Knowing we were about to become parents, of course the topic of marriage came up again. One night in August, I asked Jimi about his intentions - "I thought you said you wanted to wait until after the baby?" he replied. "You obviously misheard me, then. I want to get married before this baby comes - I want us to all have the same name. It's very important to me." We set a date, made some quick plans, ordered some custom bands, and in the middle of September headed off to a cabin in the woods of Gatlinburg, TN for a week of rest and relaxation - and got married on our first full day of vacation. We were married by a preacher, in a gazebo in his backyard, at his house in the mountains, with our dog at our side, and raindrops falling at a steady pace all around us. Finn desperately wanted to check out the woods and strained at his lead the entire time; his back end is all you see of him in the few pictures the preacher took with the camera we borrowed from Stacy. Our vows were not traditional, but covered all of the bases, and we were given a copy and told to re-read them to each other each year on our anniversary, so that we don't forget the promises we've made to one another. The rest of our vacation/honeymoon was terribly relaxing and exactly what we needed. We spent lots of time in the hot tub, enjoying the contrast of the warm water and the cold raindrops. We shopped at the outlet malls and spent a full day driving in the mountains, exclaiming over and over again at the breathtaking views. We shared an apple dumpling on the main drag in town, and explored the Ripley's Believe It or Not museum. We visited Alewine Pottery, where Jimi bought me a cookie jar, and stopped in Berea, KY on our way home, where I bought him a thumb piano; these were our wedding gifts to each other.
What more is there? There's plenty more, really. I've forgotten most of it, or it passed in a blur and I didn't take the time to notice it when it happened. 2012 will always be a year I remember with a smile. All my dreams have come true. I'm married to the man I love, and we've made a baby together. After that, there wasn't much left for the year to accomplish.
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